I knew a loss of control, a sense of having shifted into fate and yet unable to deny its compelling force for what it was, what it did, and what it allowed in ceding to the unknown. A surrender as I had never surrendered before. Bewildered thoughts were left to the buffeting and swirling of conflicting emotion as my internal direction faltered, halted and became off-base, off-kilter, off-track. Destination recast. A course set for a future and vision unwilling and unable to grant quarter to any of the perceptions that had previously shaped my thoughts or brought me wisdom. Forever changed. Potent oxygen of another kind now inhaled in my lungs, infusing my blood, and altering my pulse to erratic speeds that pumped between unwitting submission and singular apprehension.
One brief touch and my soul slid into yours and yours in mine. I felt and knew the very moment when with gauntlet thrown, magic and lore, you flaunted both the ensign of arrogance and the stance of a White Stag. Celtic blood, you said. But even so, with gravity of expression and brokering no dalliance or declination, you then extended an entreaty weighted with the heavy request that I would not only look, but see You. See Us. And This.
Love. Love like I had never known. Love - the kind that was all-encompassing, enduring and bestowed its gifts upon the few who would recognize it for what it was. Eternal. A solemn, sacred troth that unlike the elusiveness of flattery demanded of its subjects total and complete allegiance to the fires of its power, regarding all other fickle fascinations as unworthy. Discarding these with little notice into the unsanctified rubble of those who willfully would not comprehend its value for the ignorance of their own appeal.
I found your music. I heard your voice. And with helpless abandon felt my defenses shatter, tumbling down one wall after another until I was left standing with nothing but the nakedness of my heart beating rapidly in a fevered staccato, waiting for what your open perusal might bring and what it could forsake. I knew your mind, I felt your soul. I knew the boy you were and the man you had become. I felt the crippling sources of your anguish and the heedless, uninhibited expressions of your dreams. I knew the gentleness of your manner and the sweetness of your devotion, even as I knew that on a whim you might fall prey to your own demons for moments of time. Nonetheless, your spirit merged with mine, catching me breathless, taken and sheltered in arms that would stand in strength and for all time upon the integrity and yearning that ached within us both and found deliverance all the same.
And I knew a roaring in the wind as I stood my ground, having already faltered once, watching you come across the bailey towards me, your eyes seeking mine - questioning, searching, hardened but for the capitulation and supplication reflected back in my pleading petition for allowance. Surcease permitted. The air already charged with the fractured wanting and the needless, harsh blow it had cost both of us in my attempt to shore up resistance and reinforce the bulwark in denial of us, you and this. Rending, wrenching pain no more. Misplaced motive, cowardice really. One that nearly drained my life-source for the darkness that descended and threatened more than anyone or anything, the vestiges of hope that remained for survival outside of duty and misery. A heavy price for even thinking to denounce this kind of Love.
A mistake that could not, would not be made again. A sure knowledge that self-preservation from personal pain was the most selfish kind indeed. And henceforth I would under no uncertain terms, forego the damning effects of skittish weakness, my soul and my body proffered to you in full measure at all costs. And in turn, I would offer you all that I saw - A force of a man unlike any other who had already delivered the world his breath, who had sacrificed his body and spirit upon a block of chivalry unmatched, and yet never returned. To know love, unceasing and fearless, eternally bound. Chained. Pledged to one another upon a mutual hunger and a chance offering to experience joy and honor, flying the banners and pennants of our heritage in a joint claiming of all that was and would be our due.
States of grace. Rejection of heartbreak. A fluid motion into the embrace of becoming One. Reinforcing hope and capturing the dawn on this day that finally decreed vindication from all that had torn us apart. And in so doing, met the future with a consecrated oath vowed between us, proclaiming equal diligence to this commitment and the boundless joy it would bring. Drawing runes of protection, promises of intention, and sealing our allegiance and adoration in a Celtic blood exchange of holy communion and yet transcendent desire. An age old rite of divine expression in a spiritual plane as breath exchanged breath, chest to chest, heartbeat paced against heartbeat and physical joining signified a bond for all time. For always. Every trail of hands finding in each other solace, rest, love, peace, reverence, marking inscriptions of loyalty and fealty to an infinite end.
A lifetime once lost to pain, but now filled with laughter. Silence once fraught with anxiety, now basking in unspoken regard. Powerless before, yet unrestrained and exultant now. Our days of struggle, disillusionment, hopelessness and fear, cast aside in finality along with the dead rushes of disease and dormancy, leaving the delicious fragrance of fresh persuasion and unhampered ambition the opportunity to find fruition, appreciation and achievement. Long tables laden with the sweetmeats and nourishment of sated love, savoring a new circumstance and reason for Living.
The changing of the sun and the seasons of the moon no longer tracking our adversity, but casting a glow of radiance, zeal, fervor and triumph over two houses finally united in power, standing invincible against all that would have endeavored, but failed to conquer us. And still euphoric, riding the intoxicating laughter of you, I suddenly knew this moment of trembling awe, humility and a veneration too poignant to contain within the walls of my chest and yet too intimate to voice. Tears, wonder, happiness and tranquility, stealing over my heart in sighs of warmth and echoes of confirmation for all that this enduring Love actually revealed -
Within the mists of the morning dew, overcast and veiled from inquisitive eyes. Hidden in complete obscurity but for small glimpses of fleeting movement - the flash of red and the tip of an antler. You, who had watched from afar, given to all, guarded your own and encouraged their dreams. You, who had provided succor by night and battled fear by day, yet remained ever stalwart, immovable and bound to your position. Indiscernible in the camouflage. You, who had watched others reap the benefits of mornings drenched in nectar, frolicking in valleys, lush and ripe with expectations and rewarding life. You. It had always been you for everyone else. And somehow you had chosen me.
And then I knew. Then I saw as others had failed to see. For the brilliance of the afternoon sun chased the shadows away in this time-lapse towards freedom and the embrace, safety and light of our lovers' play. Countenance fully revealed for all to see, a knight worthy without question - for it was always you, Culhain. Culhain and now his muse.
Living Joy - This Carman Girl
(Written for my husband on his birthday in September of 2011. I love you, James. With every breath in my body.)
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