There's no turning back. For two years I have been on a journey of introspection as the release of pain and an old life has moved me through into open air on an unseen push so compelling and palpable in its strength that I have not been able to ignore or defy it. It's a push that won't allow me to miss my ticket; some kind of train has left the station and all that I've learned, all that I know this very minute, cannot wait one more day to be implemented.
There is no more wasting time - no more senseless circling the destination. I feel this surge, this pressure in my chest that exclaims that now is the time. Now is the time to become, to reach, to receive, to give. Giving is all that is important. Period. That anyone who comprehends the concept of relativity could speed up their understanding of what is the most elemental preciousness of their lives and skip straight to living entirely within their spirits outside of any other distraction - well, it's exquisite power and happiness. The time is now in so many ways.
I've assumed the next level of my power - this butterfly effect of emerging. I'm morphing body and soul in a way I can't even really express that doesn't sound royally self-absorbed. It's transcending. It's so free. It's the most glorious buoyancy and not just limited to me - it's waiting and pushing others as well.
I cannot help but wonder what it all means. All I know is that Love sits in my heart too tremendous to even describe, too broad to be able to properly express, and it often overwhelms my senses for my family, for people, for friends, and for all who walk and live on this earth in the experience of humanity. Yes, love sits in my heart as much as the joy I feel bounces up to the stars and showers down in a quest of happiness that somehow seeks in tandem full completion from the secret parts of me that still remain within loneliness and longing.
And yet, at this moment, there is nothing more important than letting all else go and stepping into the love and wholeness of self. Love all; serve all. It seems so trite, but if you could experience the burning inside my chest to know what it is I wish for all, you would not waste one day without expressing your love for all who mean everything to you. You would not wait one more day to step into self-love and perseverance.
What I know is that as there is a bullet train with a ticket out there pushing me forward to accept its ride, there is one for you too, inviting you to feel the urgency in releasing the mundane, inane, and negative - to join up and fly low over a landscape and spectrum of joy.
And for my children - You are my life, my blood, my everything. I am so very proud of you in all the ways that a mother can be. My arms will always surround you in every walk of life you enter, every transition, and every destination. Know this: I will always be there, regardless of distance or crossing, ideals, thoughts or decisions. You are mine and complete my breath.
I'm not certain tonight why I feel this extra surge of emotion, but there it is. And since all of my blogs are so candid and overly forthright in both expressive thought and insight - well, here it is. Unabashedly exposed. Yet ever loving, ever urging - and oh, so there to support any and all who might need in this moment to know that I know and I have been where you are. I know there is a future out there and it is asking us to step into the power, knowledge, and love of God.
So reach out your hands, let Him claim them. They are His, with all of my heart and all that I am, I know this. There is something out there that won't wait any longer. And it speaks of happiness...
Rebecca
Living Joy - This Carman Girl
Note: I wrote this nine months before I met the Love of My Life. I had to move from brokenness to wholeness before I could meet the One who would meld with my heart and complete my life. It gives me chills when I reread this and remember the visceral emotions that compelled me to write it. And now I know the answer - I was being prepared for Culhain. Makes me shake, and cry, and proclaim loudly that life can turn on a dime. So if you feel an inward push for change, are you ready and willing to meet it?
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