Parenthood In Real Time

I am listening to my husband instruct our youngest over the plight of being an old soul and the cognizance and intelligence that might simply be lost on other classmates. Zach is sitting on the edge of our bed and listening - heart melts!

James: I don't know why people always have to have one up over each other - but that's life. If life could be summed up, it's someone saying, "Hahahahahaha." But, listen, you got two choices in life: you can walk around with a white tee-shirt, or you can walk around with a target on your back. You want to learn to steer people away from it. If you're getting it all the time, learn to not let it bother you. At the end of the day, it's the least important. If we had to get in the car again because another fire was burning, would you really care about what other people say?!

Shit doesn't bother me because I don't go around it. I used to work with a bunch of jerks who made crazy remarks, and then everything we said was an insult; we sat there and insulted each other for eight hours a day. It was the most intense and uncomfortable life. But, you know what?! You don't have to stay. You don't have to deal with it. Leave it. Don't buy into it. But nine times out of ten, people do that because they're jealous of you.

You have to look at it on another side, though - here's this girl who can't play Connect Four, and so the only way she can win is to have four people help her. This doesn't make you suck if you lose, and it doesn't make her better. For the most part, you actually want to let girls win a little bit so you can give them flowers and buy chocolates and make them feel good about themselves. Your mom doesn't qualify, though, because your mom isn't the average dumb broad. I won't play chess with her because I don't wanna get frustrated and go through that humiliation again. She's different. She masters shit. And I will never play her again because I know I'll lose. Do you understand what I'm saying?! (I'm literally dying laughing at this point and want to hug my husband like a crazy woman!! HAHA.)

Next time, don't worry about those clowns helping out the dumb girl. Let her win if you need to, once in a while. She'll think she'll have won by herself. So, what you gotta do, though, is take it upon yourself to let your ego lose sometimes. It's poison, literally poison to hold onto negativity. It's a bad thing; the more you have it, the more it will get to you, and it feeds itself. The more it happens, the less you can deal with it. Don't let it start. The fun is about the game, not who wins. Plus, it will help you with you having the need to always win, too.

You and all of your brothers are perfectionists; your mom has instilled in you to always have success, but what needs to actually be cultivated in you is to be okay with losing sometimes. Sometimes failures can teach you more in life than winning. Some of the most successful people in this world failed and yet it perfected them. And it means more. Learn to lose and you'll learn to win.

(My husband - instructing our youngest son... ) #SUPERBLESSED #AMAZINGFATHER <3 Included was reference to the Valley Fire of 2015. We made it. But the memories will never, EVER, be forgotten.

Living Joy - This Carman Girl

Heart Song

Today's news is personal; I thought that perhaps it might be too personal, but I can't hold back the greatness of God nor His ever-abiding love and care for us. So, I feel compelled to put everything out there. Smiles. (Like I don't over-share anyway!) But it comes from my heart and I wish it to pour into anyone who feels alone, hopeless, tired, or in need.

I'm always trying to better myself; I think that I should be so much more as well as so much less - less intense, more resourceful, perfectly at peace with my body, better at mothering - the list is endless. Every day is one that I wake up to almost an inhalation - holding my breath as I power through trying to conquer my faults. Come on, Becca. Come on, Bec. Better, faster, stronger. Motto for always. Motto that is mine.

At any rate, I backtracked again and went through the usual cycles to pull out of it - sadness, frustration with myself, a touch of bleakness, you name it. And then I usually spiral just a little bit further to make sure that I am just as unworthy as I feel in hopes that it might assuage my guilt for missing where I wanted to be within my never-ending expectations of Self. I made it through the cycle and on a determined breath of energy, re-launched.

I pray often - but it is more through continual conversation with Heavenly Father rather than tradition prayer (yes, I love knowing that there is always an open line into Heaven for always). Smiles. So, I was driving back from taking one of my twin sons to his talent show, and I said to Heavenly Father, "I think I've got it." No sooner had I even breathed the last syllable then I felt this warmth come over my body and His words whisper through my head, "I'm proud of you."

It was so unexpected that I broke into tears. I felt a release of struggle, of explanations for why I don't make my goals time, and time again -- the getting something with my head and yet that ever-so-difficult implementation into life. Oh, the cliff many of us stand on in an absurd struggle to stay on the ledges of insecurity!

I knew more powerfully than in any other moment of my lifetime, that struggle doesn't have to be. God is our Father, He is our Maker. He blesses us from the smallest infinitesimal miracle to the larger ones that fill our beings with absolute wonder and humility. More than that, the battle has already been won by Christ. We do not have to continually beat ourselves up for how many times we backtrack. We must just continue to come unto Him, "all who are weary" when those times in our lives happen.

It's hard to explain to people the joy that I feel every day. Some think that it must be fake -- because no one can feel that Joy. Some think that everything must be perfect in my life and dislike my expression of it. None of this is true. I testify that my joy comes from the knowledge of God's intimate love, gentleness, and care. I want to share with all of my Being that "perfect Love casteth out all Fear."

My husband and I are in the middle of the same things many people are struggling with: health and job woes, financial uncertainty; but, the laughter, faith and love that exists on a constant plane of feeling of God's love, is indescribable. Palpable. Real and sure. Because of our challenges, we feel of the miracles in ways that are faith-building and joy-sustaining.

Adding this very humbling experience - one that taught me beyond my own knowledge that struggle is man-made, I feel so compelled to share a witness to the fact that our Heavenly Father does, indeed, have His hand out waiting and His arms wide open, for every single one of us. And what we must do is stop thinking that we have to try so hard by ourselves first; for, all we have to do is simply take His hand as we are, right now, to feel love and peace, encouragement and comfort, while walking through our Life experiences.

I love God with all of my heart. I love this family more than I could possibly express. And if the over-sharing today hits someone who needs it - I hope you feel deeply in this moment - in supplication of our Almighty, that you *are* worth it. And to let go the stripes you put upon your own back no matter how many times you think you fail or want. Christ died for us. The battle and the pain have already been won and are taken. We do not need to suffer. Step into Love and believe on His name.

Happy Sunday. ♥

Bec

(Blog written February 10, 2013)

Adjunct Professor

Education is not necessarily about teaching our children what to think; it's about empowering them to begin *to* think. Current condition, dressed with ambition, and yet powered by intellection and fueled by inspiration, is everything. Period.

I cannot decry social-engineering and the homogeneity of group identification enough.

Be one. Be you. Be. Synapses on fire, but with action potential.

Seriously.

Living Joy - This Carman Girl

Downpour

Pelting rain cleanses my soul, washes away tears, and makes me feel whole.

- Living Joy - This Carman Girl <3

Beckoning Skies

Celebrate life. Every single day. To deny this miracle is to ignore the sanctity of breath. And for those of us linked to critical healthcare, we can't help but be reminded of mortality at any given moment.

Life is a gift, each hour , each day; to complain is to usher in the end of joyful being.

I say: Live in truth, bask in opportunity, and multiply growth.

Living Joy - This Carman Girl

Letterhead

Letterhead

At first I liked this photo, but now I've decided that I don't since it presupposes assumed ranks of importance.

I decry any semblance of hierarchy in that respect: there is no such thing as superior or inferior. Not one whit of any kind of relevance comes from title, ownership, property, education, clothing, social circles, or popularity. When stripped of any vestige of what may validate worldly importance, we are then left gloriously unconfined as very unique and worthy spirits of great and equal value.

The only disparity to be concerned with in this life is the one found in those who have lost belief and are uncertain of hope -- who don't understand that there is more, and wouldn't even comprehend where to begin. And that invites absolute responsibility for those of us who have assumed such power to then share our testimonies to thus reignite belief.

More often, it is the laborer who commands the greater nobility by virtue of his quiet surety, and profound self-possessed security. Most often, it is those who have fallen into crippling cycles, who share the most beautiful humanity -- reflections from their eyes casting want, need, desire, reluctance, fear, powerlessness, and a settling - all concerns that may haunt each and every one of us from time-to-time.

Where is the inferiority in that?

We all teach each other in some form or another; inferior is never a thing, and of those who feel themselves superior, all too often they become duped by their own self-imposed faux exceptionalism -- consequently, blindsided when a corporate expiration date deems them unworthy, they experience failing health, financial ruin, abysmal performance, company "restructure" , and/or age leaves them shelved and forgotten alongside the useless antiquities of a once grandiose curio cabinet.

Let us teach our children that it is *who* they are that is paramount, and not ever *what* they are. If this foundation was adamantly encouraged - eschewing all else - then the power of purpose and potential would eliminate the current quarrels and cacophony of rioting over "equality," effectively rendering such allegations, null and void.

Individuality is a sacred commodity worth the investment, as legacy supersedes notoriety when death claims control; for it's intangible wealth that gifts generations more so than any monetary recompense ever could.

And beyond the first blush and high of income, home ownership, purchase, skills, or what-not -- in the end, none of this matters but the man, himself.

I say: Give wisely. Live largely. Amplify powerfully. And venerate quietly. This is what it means to magnify life.

Living Joy - This Carman Girl

Tears

I left work the other night and headed to the grocery store, where, once inside, I passed by a gentleman who simply captivated my attention. He was older, stooped, relatively cleanly dressed, but was also clutching a family-sized bag of Doritos as if the decision to purchase it warranted heavy consideration. He would set it down, pick up something else, and then change his mind.

I did my best to study him covertly; I didn't want to be obvious - but, something wasn't right -- he was different. I felt all of my senses on alert and pieces of my heart already painting what was surely the correct picture. It wasn't until he pulled out the change in his pockets, and I saw calculations flit across his face, that I really confirmed what was happening. And my heart seized.

So many of us have been there; so many of us have come to know, through trial and struggle, how to appreciate even the last penny, and to thank God everyday for His blessings.

Every day, I am kissed and adored by my husband, laughter reigns in our home, our children participate in fun and yet wonderful lengthy discussions; and for some odd reason, I have been gifted to work for the best place on earth.

I don't know how or why I am privileged to such a life, but I do know that it is simply the most incredible gift. And when I see such things - hardships for others - it hits me squarely and I feel emotional, thankful, sad, lucky, and oh-so-humbled.

Who am I to enjoy what I have?! It just renews this fire inside of me to be sure that I can share, give love, and endeavor to radiate hope to anyone who needs it.

Make no mistake: It's not as though I haven't spent the last nine months fearful of keeping a roof over our heads --surely, I have awakened in the middle of the night with tears pouring down my cheeks, angry, sad, bewildered as to why, even still -- in spite of my hard work, promotions, and raise, after raise, that our household could still be subject to an outside entity who would continue to change jobs, duck, and avoid supporting his own.

And yet, the Lord has surely shown me through these last months of exceptional difficulty, that He cannot circumvent others' free will, but when His purpose is sure -- specifically noting the consecration and protection of our home -- the Lord reigns. Nothing can come against His path for our lives.

And in that, I have finally been able to let go anger; for we're not subject to anyone but our God. My husband and I, of ourselves, have line, upon line, been blessed with profound increase. And such witnesses have only compounded a fierceness of testimony within my soul -- another reason why I'm so cognitive, sensitive, perceptive, grateful. Present.

Alive.

And, so Joyful.

And, so -- having shared this -- and believe me -- I'm the last person to judge a book by its cover. Well, I maintain that Hope is everything.

It truly is; for it is not just hope, but the belief in more, that has brought me every step of the way into this beautiful peace and grace sheltered by God's powerful hands. Certainly, sometimes fear licks at my heels (and I have a good cry with the peeps I'm closest with - who get me back on track), but now I know better.

And so, turning back to this gentleman, I lost him when I arrived at the check-out counter. Still, I was compelled to slide my card for additional cash. There was a burning in my heart to find him thereafter --- and, so I did. He was down another isle, still clutching his bag of Doritos while fingering other things. Quietly, I handed him the bills, knowing with all of my heart, that as they left my hands and were cupped in his palms, it was not my gift, but that of our Father in Heaven.

I swear my body felt so many goose bumps and the presence of so much more. And the expression on this man's face broke my heart further - as if it was so crazy to imagine that he might be worth a blessing. And I had to tell him that God is good all the time.

I testify of this.

None of us have what we have - that which is good, blessed, fruitful, and of good report - upon our own steam. It is all from belief, humility, trust, and the willingness to find Joy in the small things. And every want, need, loneliness, desire, dream is being gifted daily.

To maintain such faith and yet understand our individual smallness and infinite worth at the same time, is confounding in that it's joy and weakness and pure happiness all at once.

Since then, I have been a recipient in like manner by angels whom I work with this holiday season. And I have been lost to tears, recognition, wholeness, floored. In numerous ways.

God surely loves all of his children. And. Whew. <3

Believe.

Living Joy - This Carman Girl