It's late. The night has settled in, house quiet, children now presumably asleep and the day catches up to woman. Her legs are tucked beneath her on the sofa, comforter eased around her shoulders as she stares blankly into the room, deeply absorbed in thought and lost to the events of the day.
A spare glance at a wall-mirror finds traces of mascara smeared and tracked down the sides of her cheeks, a telling result of the meltdown of emotions that had surfaced earlier. And the little girl inside of this woman feels that sometimes she is only ever playing dress-up, desperately pretending to be a mother, a grownup. Scant perusal of her reflection returns a woman unwillingly drawn back into the angst of adolescence time and again. She battles fears that should have long been put to rest. So she thinks.
The peace of the night settles in like a balm and opens her mind from emotion to clarity. And this woman wonders why fear can hold so many powerful, talented people back. She wonders why fear, not fact, offers such an enticing pull into probable despair. Fear, not fact. Fear, not fact. Fear, not fact. She whispers it in litany as if to discover why fear seems to be the victor while fact becomes lost to disappointment.
Fear. That's all. Perception. And she thinks, Change perception, Change outcome. Simple. Clinical. Obvious. Easy. Right? No.
But wisdom speaks. A voice soft and still, gentle but commanding. Wisdom gained from experience and love, from days of seeing, seeking, aiding, loving others lost in their own gloom, lost to death, lost to tragedy, lost to personal destruction. Lost.
And wisdom says that it is more. It is not simply fear that holds her back. It is fear of being worthy of happiness. Fear of being worthy of love. Fear, ultimately of being worthy of being good enough. She has never known what it feels like to be good enough. She has spent her entire life struggling, searching, reaching to be better and then better still. Period.
She has only ever known from the earliest reflection of childhood that she must continually seek perfection or she is nothing. As if that alone had been stamped into the code of her DNA instead of awarded through a strict upbringing. And this woman is now tired, exhausted. Weary. And finally facing a pivotal shift inside of her that she couldn't ever imagine could be hers to possess and yet has somehow been gifted in strong measure.
She is being offered love on a platter with full acceptance of who she is now and she is frightened. She is not sure that it is okay just to be. She keeps looking around her for evidences of her inadequacy. She sifts through the years, the people and the placards that indicated she was never enough. She must close her eyes to those she knows can't see her soul for its beauty and worries that this gift she is being handed will dissolve into nothing like the beautiful dreams that disappear in the light of the morning sun. And she now knows why she prefers the night. Because night offers sanctuary.
Dawn brings reality. Risk. Fear.
Is this why she is driven? Is this why her home is immaculate? Is this why she can't let go? Is this why she forcefully advocates the principles of humanity, teaching unimpeachable morals of honor, integrity, learning, knowledge, truth and commitment? Is this why she nourishes and nurtures her children by every living cell within the lifeblood of her body? Is this why she champions those who are demeaned and mocked?
Is it because she has not accepted within herself completely, that she is enough now?
And then woman becomes child and child becomes son and daughter. And she sees the shadows of her children as they were, playing earlier in the day. And the picture broadens, sharpens. Clears. For they are enough as they are. And so was she back then and always has been. And she may still feel that she is a little girl playing at being mother, but she realizes that she was never innately flawed nor needed to prove the right of her birth.
She knows in that moment that a life lived to prove worth, is a life lived within pain and punishment. But a life lived within the tender wholeness of self, is one which offers love and light. Peace.
So this woman closes her eyes and draws in a breath. She takes but one moment to gather her emotions and give love to the child begging for acceptance inside of her. She knows that on the morrow she will be ready to welcome the sun and she will leap into the love that is waiting...
The peace of the night settles in like a balm and opens her mind from emotion to clarity. And this woman wonders why fear can hold so many powerful, talented people back. She wonders why fear, not fact, offers such an enticing pull into probable despair. Fear, not fact. Fear, not fact. Fear, not fact. She whispers it in litany as if to discover why fear seems to be the victor while fact becomes lost to disappointment.
Fear. That's all. Perception. And she thinks, Change perception, Change outcome. Simple. Clinical. Obvious. Easy. Right? No.
But wisdom speaks. A voice soft and still, gentle but commanding. Wisdom gained from experience and love, from days of seeing, seeking, aiding, loving others lost in their own gloom, lost to death, lost to tragedy, lost to personal destruction. Lost.
And wisdom says that it is more. It is not simply fear that holds her back. It is fear of being worthy of happiness. Fear of being worthy of love. Fear, ultimately of being worthy of being good enough. She has never known what it feels like to be good enough. She has spent her entire life struggling, searching, reaching to be better and then better still. Period.
She has only ever known from the earliest reflection of childhood that she must continually seek perfection or she is nothing. As if that alone had been stamped into the code of her DNA instead of awarded through a strict upbringing. And this woman is now tired, exhausted. Weary. And finally facing a pivotal shift inside of her that she couldn't ever imagine could be hers to possess and yet has somehow been gifted in strong measure.
She is being offered love on a platter with full acceptance of who she is now and she is frightened. She is not sure that it is okay just to be. She keeps looking around her for evidences of her inadequacy. She sifts through the years, the people and the placards that indicated she was never enough. She must close her eyes to those she knows can't see her soul for its beauty and worries that this gift she is being handed will dissolve into nothing like the beautiful dreams that disappear in the light of the morning sun. And she now knows why she prefers the night. Because night offers sanctuary.
Dawn brings reality. Risk. Fear.
Is this why she is driven? Is this why her home is immaculate? Is this why she can't let go? Is this why she forcefully advocates the principles of humanity, teaching unimpeachable morals of honor, integrity, learning, knowledge, truth and commitment? Is this why she nourishes and nurtures her children by every living cell within the lifeblood of her body? Is this why she champions those who are demeaned and mocked?
Is it because she has not accepted within herself completely, that she is enough now?
And then woman becomes child and child becomes son and daughter. And she sees the shadows of her children as they were, playing earlier in the day. And the picture broadens, sharpens. Clears. For they are enough as they are. And so was she back then and always has been. And she may still feel that she is a little girl playing at being mother, but she realizes that she was never innately flawed nor needed to prove the right of her birth.
She knows in that moment that a life lived to prove worth, is a life lived within pain and punishment. But a life lived within the tender wholeness of self, is one which offers love and light. Peace.
So this woman closes her eyes and draws in a breath. She takes but one moment to gather her emotions and give love to the child begging for acceptance inside of her. She knows that on the morrow she will be ready to welcome the sun and she will leap into the love that is waiting...
- This Carman Girl
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