Walkways

What does life look like to you? Do you see the odd crack in the drive or notice a forlorn flower along the gravel? Do you see the beauty in them and take notice as you live now? Mmmm...this is not simply a snapshot of a tree branch or two; it is a breathing source of satisfaction, inspiration and giving all in one. 

Oh, that we could help all to see that life is meant to be lived in fully glory; that being happy comes from the cultivation of self first. Choosing happiness attracts and inspires more of it and feeds into my belief that Living Joy is a choice only we can make; no other person, contingency or definitive circumstance will bring happiness. The sole responsibility to live with verve regardless of all else is ours alone. Yes, give love; be love. 

You may be surprised what a gorgeous life will materialize as just the transition of such acceptance will open pathways to those things that haunt and tease the inside of your soul and whisper in longing, day after day, night after night. They are meant to be yours. The dark shadows playing in the night and the stars shining down in an echo of aching, searching eyes, will bring you into a dawn of opportunity. And when you come to realize that it is a change within that provides the doors to more, even definitions of fulfillment will broaden and find deeper meaning. Satiation.

To push past fear. All of us are afraid we're not enough; there are too many adults walking around in discontent and angst just for the lies they believed of themselves when they were young, carried over and compounded with age. Every bit of it is nonsense - reject all without compunction. Reject the things cast that were merely fractured refractions of others' broken places, ideas, thoughts. Every shred of negativity was never yours to own. Where is the Freedom cry? Silence and the social etiquette of politely nodding and pretending while a deeper heartache tears at your spirit, cannot, will not, ever bring you from wanting into the full essence of Living.

Push for change. Be the change. Push for the right to wholeness, opportunity, respect. I find it interesting while navigating shared commonalities of struggle that it is acceptable to try, but it is never acceptable to get there or to arrive. All of a sudden others react in anger, become stand-offish, snipe or are jealous. But I say, push the boundaries anyway. Be you. Show them. And then with all the love and compassion, understanding and spirit you have, let your gentleness show them the way.

No more yearning, no more commiseration. Living Joy is choosing every day to see the beauty of this Life. For there is - in what we see, in what we feel, in how we move, in who we talk to. No experience is ever wasted. In the twitter of birds chattering melodies and bringing childlike perspective to the rush of the morning, to the recap of the day when there is pause and contemplation, introspection and satisfaction.

Let living Joy be wonderful - not boasting, not garish, not wrong - but an abundant source of wellness that multiplies with intensity and invites others with such compelling force it gives them the same permission. If you don't like feeling that others whisper, don't do it. If you don't like feeling inadequate, cease to speak so of others. If you fear failure, don't find critique. Live fully in unabashed energy and Love. We all need nourishment. Give it endlessly and unerringly.

Yes, Walkways...to this delicious Life.

 

- This Carman Girl

 

 

 

Heaven Shines Down

I'm thinking of how the swirling particles of dust illuminated in the rays of sunshine could have one thinking that the inhale of life might bring disappointment even in the light - tainted, obscured, never clean and giving rise to insidious thoughts that struggle could deign to usurp our happiness and cheat it of its unfettered purchase. But truly, all one has to do is blow out a breath and watch these scatter -whispers of fear, worry and condemnation fleeing in the presence of what really is true.

After all, isn't it pollution that makes the sunset so much more vivid? Doesn't the rain drench the crevices of nearly forsaken dreams and paths, cleansing the clogging dirt and silt of illusory deceit so as to uncover new direction and bring with it beguiling scents of pine, green and growth? Isn't it the harder times which make the light all the more brilliant? Isn't when we are compelled to be humble that the rewards and Love of God find import, priority, notice and thus bring warmth, joy, compassion, wholeness, faith and contentment in the now, whatever that now is, so glorious it is overwhelming?

For in the now, all that would or could have taken our spirits into depression and dismay dissolves into inconsequence when we feel, know and remember that peace abounds in merely the Simple act of remembering God. To embrace that peace and even risk for anticipation as all that comes along offers opportunity to buoy our spirits and cause us to seek Him. Joy.

 

- This Carman Girl

 

 

 

Fragility

When you love, encourage, support and give to another person, nurturing their pure spirit and inner potential, it allows them to blossom. Living Joy is living light; it's abundant, gracious, forgiving, remains constant and yet only builds as relationships that ARE see the power within possibility, sustenance and vitality. To be a blessing to each other in the discoveries of the heart. 

 

- This Carman Girl

 

 

 

Night Games

In order to move into all that you Are, you must release every last shred of what you think you should be.

- This Carman Girl

 

 

 

Window Pane

It's late. The night has settled in, house quiet, children now presumably asleep and the day catches up to woman. Her legs are tucked beneath her on the sofa, comforter eased around her shoulders as she stares blankly into the room, deeply absorbed in thought and lost to the events of the day. 

A spare glance at a wall-mirror finds traces of mascara smeared and tracked down the sides of her cheeks, a telling result of the meltdown of emotions that had surfaced earlier. And the little girl inside of this woman feels that sometimes she is only ever playing dress-up, desperately pretending to be a mother, a grownup. Scant perusal of her reflection returns a woman unwillingly drawn back into the angst of adolescence time and again. She battles fears that should have long been put to rest. So she thinks.

The peace of the night settles in like a balm and opens her mind from emotion to clarity. And this woman wonders why fear can hold so many powerful, talented people back. She wonders why fear, not fact, offers such an enticing pull into probable despair. Fear, not fact. Fear, not fact. Fear, not fact. She whispers it in litany as if to discover why fear seems to be the victor while fact becomes lost to disappointment.

Fear. That's all. Perception. And she thinks, Change perception, Change outcome. Simple. Clinical. Obvious. Easy. Right? No.

But wisdom speaks. A voice soft and still, gentle but commanding. Wisdom gained from experience and love, from days of seeing, seeking, aiding, loving others lost in their own gloom, lost to death, lost to tragedy, lost to personal destruction. Lost.

And wisdom says that it is more. It is not simply fear that holds her back. It is fear of being worthy of happiness. Fear of being worthy of love. Fear, ultimately of being worthy of being good enough. She has never known what it feels like to be good enough. She has spent her entire life struggling, searching, reaching to be better and then better still. Period.

She has only ever known from the earliest reflection of childhood that she must continually seek perfection or she is nothing. As if that alone had been stamped into the code of her DNA instead of awarded through a strict upbringing. And this woman is now tired, exhausted. Weary. And finally facing a pivotal shift inside of her that she couldn't ever imagine could be hers to possess and yet has somehow been gifted in strong measure.

She is being offered love on a platter with full acceptance of who she is now and she is frightened. She is not sure that it is okay just to be. She keeps looking around her for evidences of her inadequacy. She sifts through the years, the people and the placards that indicated she was never enough. She must close her eyes to those she knows can't see her soul for its beauty and worries that this gift she is being handed will dissolve into nothing like the beautiful dreams that disappear in the light of the morning sun. And she now knows why she prefers the night. Because night offers sanctuary.

Dawn brings reality. Risk. Fear.

Is this why she is driven? Is this why her home is immaculate? Is this why she can't let go? Is this why she forcefully advocates the principles of humanity, teaching unimpeachable morals of honor, integrity, learning, knowledge, truth and commitment? Is this why she nourishes and nurtures her children by every living cell within the lifeblood of her body? Is this why she champions those who are demeaned and mocked?

Is it because she has not accepted within herself completely, that she is enough now?

And then woman becomes child and child becomes son and daughter. And she sees the shadows of her children as they were, playing earlier in the day. And the picture broadens, sharpens. Clears. For they are enough as they are. And so was she back then and always has been. And she may still feel that she is a little girl playing at being mother, but she realizes that she was never innately flawed nor needed to prove the right of her birth.

She knows in that moment that a life lived to prove worth, is a life lived within pain and punishment. But a life lived within the tender wholeness of self, is one which offers love and light. Peace.

So this woman closes her eyes and draws in a breath. She takes but one moment to gather her emotions and give love to the child begging for acceptance inside of her. She knows that on the morrow she will be ready to welcome the sun and she will leap into the love that is waiting...

 

- This Carman Girl

 

 

 

Kingdoms

There are relationships that flounder on for years, often disconnected and in total disintegration from not only communication, but the desertion of the naive and an unwillingness to peel at the scabs of old wounds. Scabs that have been picked on occasion in bouts of bleeding torment and still seep enough abysmal despondency as to remain unhealed, raw. And a total, final point of no return breaks on the dawn of one lonely morning, layered in a heavy dampness of depression so thick and devastating because the fairytale was not only over, but it had never been.

And along the edges of a back alley dumpster, Ego has finally been stripped to naked in such a way that it might actually find the recognition of all that it contributed and become a catalyst for change. A new beginning. Awareness of what Being is and what relationships actually look like. They are not a fairytale. No, relationships shouldn't ever be undermined like that; they are a kingdom, a universe. They are so much more if we would open the scope of the limitations and expectations that burden, confine and leech the divine out of the happiness of union.

The secrets to couplehood rest in all that it is to magnify ourselves - to build our own individual person and to understand unequivocally, that happiness and fulfillment is something that can only come from ourselves, to ourselves. And to imagine that someone else should fill places of inadequacy is to already doom the relationship.

Love is never an exchange. It is an attitude of Being. And if we don't live within our own loving Being, then we cannot share it with another. We must understand the pivotal differences between sharing, which is basking in wholeness meeting wholeness, and giving, which assumes that the other is empty and endeavors to fill them. And although a noble thought to give someone their self-esteem, it only allows them opportunity to ignore their personal responsibility to their sacred selves, avoid growth and dwell in selfishness.

It is selfish to accept and live within poor self-esteem. We cannot give Love; we share Love. It is a space of existence. And if we love ourselves properly in all the ways that would magnify and enhance our being, then it is a limitless expanse of joy that leaves fairytales to their artificial and unfulfilled endings and finds an eternal realm of consciousness like none other.

As young giddy couples, none of this ever even registers on our radar. We are so lost in the euphoria of shared happiness, that it would be impossible to imagine that we could ever encounter disappointment or upset. We're not even aware of whether individually we are needy, taking or filling. All we can think of is our dreams, our goals, white picket fences and laughter spilling over in a cacophony of sound that matches the untried ideals of our youth.

But with familiarity, life changes and children, the basis and conditions of self esteem can rear an ugly head and commiserate with ego, compare all to the fairy tales and thus invite disenchantment. At which point the recognition of any unresolved issues have opportunity to move into awareness and invite a place of reckoning - examination and discovery of ourselves so that we may understand our own patterns that could possibly contribute to dissension within the bliss.

An ownership of self-acceptance, motive, need and expectation - to find that self-acceptance cannot ever be in truth until we have realized our own worth in our most broken places. That is where foundations of Love begin. And that is where we have the ability to let go of the misery it is to demand perfection of our spouses.

That is where the freedom to be and to allow another to be, finds flight.

It is when we disallow and release our partner from perfection and take them as they are that we open a space of love so brilliant - beyond all judgment - that all experiences and feelings find the freedom and room to grow and shift into light. And that is when couplehood falls into a realm far brighter than any fairytale - a richer kingdom filled with endless mornings of possibility and purpose, sleepy afternoons, echoes of uninhibited laughter and sustaining commitment lasting for all time.

 

- This Carman Girl

 

 

 

 

Breathless

Today, I begin my life in earnest. I feel refreshed, renewed, grounded and joyful. As if I'm taking both my heart and my hands and merging them together in a paradise of being. Powerful. Strong. Worthy. Life looms large around me and I am throwing open the window pane to embrace clean air. 

Honed. Vital. Extraordinary. Blissful. Breathy. Secret. Sparkling. Twenty-four hours a day that I can choose to shape however I wish in a manner which speaks to the delicious sensation of rebirth. Euphoria.

 

- This Carman Girl

 

 

 

Rain Melodies

My heart is in a million different places as the morning breaks, the rain abates and words from Isaiah wend their way within my soul as the quiet sustains a struggling sunrise. Residual mists of the night and damp, dark and air, haven't cleared the mountain and even still mask the rays and limit the view. In the relative cold and sodden sopping aftermath of heaven's temperament, its latency yields just a little more time within the lapse to render deeper insight from random thoughts coming together in order and relevance. It's a window of opportunity when the prolonged dark offers permission to mull action and consideration, weigh decisions while drinking in perspective just for the gray-cast shadow and additional waterfall.   

It's metaphorical, really - for we know that at some point the sun will shine so brightly that it will provide the rays of light needed for growth and vision, foliage and blossom. Lingering shadows add generous droplets of life-sustaining elixir within the drenching of the storm. There is never a mistake within timing - there is wisdom in the darkness as all that we pray for, work for, strive for, ask for - all will thrive more so than if knowledge had come too prematurely and dried up the tenderness of the young, green leaves wanting so desperately, in a rush of impatience and ignorance, to make it larger than the mighty Oak in fractions of a season. Yes, a cover and blanket meant for defining truth and development before the burgeoning renewal and awakening of daylight hails more opportunity for lasting prosperity.

So much is happening for so many people. So much good. So much faith. So much belief. Forces of time and abundance are working together for love and connection, happiness and joy in every single one of our lives as we lift our heads in hope beyond perceptions of reality. That we should ever consider putting our goals and needs within the confining vision of now would be to deny the sun its cycle and the moon its glory.

My life has been healed beyond measure and been handed joy just for the privilege of sharing it with this man of my heart. I know that my kids have been guided and loved so well under his wisdom; for that I am grateful as it makes me weak just for the magnitude of his generosity. Yes, all of our children are flourishing - watched over, blessed and given over to care - taken in directions that will see to their own peace, healing, life and happiness.

Prayers are in my heart as much as joy is in my soul. Life is not perfection - to seek or expect that would be to have continual disappointment. Perfection is found in the midst of the process, in the feelings evoked from the lessons, in the stunning silence of cognition, in seeing small changes which signify answers to larger miracles. Oh, to develop compassion and find with it healing and love within our own right for ourselves, our failings, our missteps and blunders. Roads denied and new ones always forged! The removal of fear from "doing it wrong" since integrity and God's grace will never deny giving us another opportunity to make it right. That is where my heart expands and I give thanks unto Him. He Lives, He loves, He cares and He sees. All will be well. Hope is an Eternal principle and a gateway to everything.

- Becca

 

- This Carman Girl

 

 

 

Mansions

Contentment is a step further into the practice of gratitude. Contentment doesn't think to wish for more even in the most poignant of exchanges, the accolades of achievement or in the struggle for solvency. More is an action word and has already moved on, never able to stay long enough to focus on the judgment required to broker effective decisions. More only exists in a tunnel vision that immediately loses sight of what Is, thus cheating any encounter or opportunity the right of its significance.

And yet contentment has already found the intellection of happiness, is not impressed with the illusion of power and does not fall prey to the clouded thoughts that can exacerbate desperation. Contentment is often misunderstood and should not be mistaken as a pennant for lateral existence. Rather, it is a critical key to the health of relationships and is central to sound business practices since its concept is rooted in sustaining the strength and foundations of actualization.

- This Carman Girl

 

Picket Fences

Virtually any link with humanity brings the sweetness of another perspective. Ageless. A continual climb in delight and anticipation - as if childhood unwittingly floods back, bringing moments of unguarded connection and curiosity. An ode to those tiny fingers trailing fences anxious to meet other creatures of relative size and the same wide-eyed wonder and invitation.

In associations with everyday strangers, do we remember how easily it was that we accepted so quickly others with eagerness and forgiveness, excitement and communion? Not merely counter clerks, not merely florists, not merely servers, not merely in line ahead of us or behind. People. Children. Others. Us. Once small and dirty, swinging, limber legs leaping rocks and scrambling over mossy patches, splashing droplets, rushing to help one another. Pointing, laughing, playing, talking. Oh, we all have a story. We all want to be counted. To leave discontent and impatience behind and be as a child...eager, loving, easy...present. 

- This Carman Girl

Radiant

Always reaching, flying, soaring...
Finding the elements which
release and open our spirits
to the full potential of laughter,
love, life, joy.
Fully, yet wickedly interested
in all things that spark debate, conversation, passion,
fulfillment, wit, achievement and desire.
Seeking, living, loving, breathing-
Bliss.

- This Carman Girl

 

Heights

Emotion comes and goes, varies in representation, can change on a whim or a condition, can fuel a fire or overwhelm with joy. Sometimes it must be lassoed, taught, reined in or disciplined as to the many things it can either incite or inspire. And yet the Spirit remains constant; the Spirit is soft, meek, fluid, gentle - it is not given to extremes, neither does it change upon conditions or the actions and reactions of others. It does not judge nor is it mightily excited. The Spirit is Love - and when walking in the Spirit, we do not shift upon emotion, require others to meet our expectations, but live within loving eyes. Its gentleness carries with it a Love that sees with compassion, neither judging nor compelling, but simply open. Providing safety. A blanket of warmth that yields peace, understanding, connection and invites others to release themselves to its keeping. 

- This Carman Girl

Wild Flowers

I was thinking about all the little lies we embrace to assuage our guilt over the decisions that stilt growth. And always the first lie we tell ourselves is that there is Time. We will get another chance. We can change even still another day. And so we relax the hold of honoring ourselves and others simply by recitation and blind self-deceit, with little more than a half-hearted intention to make it so come the morrow.

And I say "half-hearted intent" because Desire is the conniving impostor that would have us fall into the second lie. For we think that since we have one hundred percent desire, that our intent is pure and we will thus find the fruition of our goals. And so we swallow the first lie and slide easily into the second...

For Desire is rarely interested in strong foundations. Desire seeks instant gratification and is enamored of the trappings and appearance of becoming rather than truly, deeply arriving. Desire is anchorless. Desire shifts with the next opportunity or fades at the first sign of reluctance and rarely stays around to find meaning. Desire really is half-hearted intent.

And what if there's not one more day? What if there isn't another opportunity to live our own truth? What if what we think defines our most honest representation of self, never returns or we lose out to heartache so bitter we're not certain we can recover? What if we have to define and build a life outside of the very thing we have been certain was ours to possess?

Well, that would certainly eliminate the lies, the insidious masks of avoidance and delay, and fully reveal the truth of our initial intent. Finally, we might just recognize the barest foundations of Joy.

I have discovered that although loss has been a springboard for growth within me, the acceptance of Love in my basest state, is what has moved me from broken to arriving. To imagine that I am worth something in the depths of hell and even in fractured, uncertain conditions, has been the gift that has guided me into a forward motion of authenticity and Joy.

We are Choice. We Matter. We are Divine. We are enough now. And I am reminded humbly over and over again as I have come in and out of the acceptance that I am innately of worth. I am reminded most when I flirt with the edges of danger, expecting a fallout, but yet instead find inexplicable success. And the magnitude of this Love hits me sideways and brings me to tears. For it has always been there and doesn't wish for me to weep or want...

This Love...

Waits for us to see. This Love gives in all ways no matter our condition. This Love waits for us to leave all lies behind and recognize the awareness of what Is. It gently leads us to see clearly that worth has nothing to do with where we are, but with who we are. And who we are has always been, protected from layers of pain and man-made turmoil. Who we are waits to not only be discovered, but allowed the unrestrained freedom to burst into full bloom and beckon others to do the same.

So I begin to understand...

That the biggest lie we tell ourselves is that we must work and prove, sweat and struggle to deserve being worthy. And I know deep inside, that the Love of God does not rest upon our own fallacies of struggle and pain. The Love of God is constant, unchanging. It is a space of Being and not an action. It is what we only have to fall into, to find solace, joy and freedom.

This Love...This Love already exists within us.

- This Carman Girl

 

 

 

Challenger

Freedom. Choice. Solution. Desire. They all war with each other as the buzz in our heads demands governing rights. And so it is when one side of our spirit wants to dominate the other in ways far damaging to others than ourselves. We don't see it. Not clearly. Perhaps it is addiction, ignorance, anxiety or even the distraction of participating far more within our professional endeavors than placing importance on those who depend on our care, and beg for some kind of show that they matter more than our vices.  

Yet nonetheless if there is a war, no matter the distance lost, it can be won. It can change so that all things free and of choice become equal to the keen desire for solution. Absolution. Forgiveness. Peace. But to begin, one must let love in. For isn't that what vice is all about? Building walls? Forging territory in effort to seem implacable, secure, safe? Let it crumble. Let it in. Find your freedom. Release the inadequate and false front of pride or denial. For it's not too late. Never too late.

Do not allow loss to be of your own making. And do not make the second mistake of allowing it to be your crutch for self mutilation or revulsion either. The whistle blows demanding a game-changer. A double dare to feel worth it and to know that you matter. Clock ticking. Time, the only opponent worthy of your consideration, taunting the disciplined and integrity driven pieces of your soul not yet lost to the waste of needless self-pity. It's face-off time. Now.

- This Carman Girl