Firmament

Sometimes my heart stops at Heavenly Father's grace, his infinite power and the unassailable truth that if we would just trust ourselves within the palm of his hand, he will show us the extensive fruits of faith and the Spirit. I am continually floored at the privilege it is to share this life with a man who embraces with full force these precepts, looking past his own worry to engage in making decisions that place full and unequivocal faith within God. Entirely. Completely. Without stipulation or constraint.

"Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen." - Acts 17:11

God often blesses lives that come together twofold. Who has blessed your life, as, in turn, you in some way have become a blessing in theirs? And do you risk to do so? To be part of His processes both as a recipient and a giver is astounding in all ways.

Perhaps above even the bolstering of my own faith, I cherish the lessons that are being gifted to our children. Cause and effect. Faith followed by blessings - prayers, needs, desires, offered up unto God but given to his will. The return and yield of such. Yes, Blessed. Truly, truly blessed.

 

This Carman Girl

 

 

 

Ripples Across the Water

Above all - no matter the circumstance or position, carrying life with dignity and grace, gratitude and love, trumps any illness, difficulty or fear. Embrace love: Give love, be love.
- This Carman Girl

Stillness

Sometimes we pile up boulders which hinder rather than build monuments that remember; casting stones of regret, disappointment and blame, carelessly collecting the unstable malcontent of pebbles and ruin while failing to see the precious value of these rocks for what they are. For each holds the weight of experience and moments that lend perspective and serve to teach, add, restore, expand, vitalize and build foundations of hope and joy within our lives. Rock by rock, they invite us to mark, weigh, appreciate, consider, and layer them with consequence and forethought so that steadily and with surety they become firm and immovable, standing tall as a monument of stature, joy, contentment, gratitude and prosperity.

 

- This Carman Girl

 

 

 

 

 

Return Ticket

There is so much peace and happiness in releasing those who would undermine our worth in favor of enjoying and nourishing genuine exchange.

- This Carman Girl

 

 

 

Acceptance

Silence from another speaks more of an inability to process emotion than it is a characterization of your person.
- This Carman Girl

Dividends

Happiness is the basis to all prosperity. Happiness knows not waste but welcomes all that is viable with equal opportunity, gently releasing the balance.

- This Carman Girl

Clock Tower

We should never let the fear of making the right choices keep us from not making any at all. Danger lies not in the decisions that we make but more often in those that we put aside. When we are invested in actually letting go of what our own egos deem is absolutely necessary to safety and prosperity, then God is able to work miracles and will guide us each and every time. Every breath, every day, then becomes joyful and fearless, releasing all processes, constraints and fear.
 

 All too often we are anxiously eager to feel the safety of individual futures wrapped up in a bow; and yet, how safe are they if we don't have all the pieces to the puzzle and rush them to a forced conclusion - one that may only delay us from peace? Yes, in the now is where absolute security lies, no matter what it looks like, and God holds each of us tenderly in the palm of his hand. 

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28

I love this scripture, not just for the first phrase but for the importance of what the last imparts. Truly being "called to his purpose" means that we are accepting of his ability to know our needs more than our own and will let go the absolutes when asking to be blessed in times of trial or need.

As my mother says, "Just make the next right decision." It is so simple and yet so wise. To live it brings more shelter, peace, faith and sanctuary than anything else: gifts to listen, learn and shift with the next truths that mark our way. Make the decision now that may be waiting on the side-lines - Do it! If we're earnestly intent on all that will "work together for our good", then trust that straighter paths along a clockwork in sync with our Heavenly Father's will is the timing that truly Gives.

 

- This Carman Girl

 

 

 

Fields of Glory

When we are at peace with ourselves, every circumstance we experience is finally seen as merely a "pass-through" event and no longer subject to the control of our emotions with their remarkably convincing presentations of certain finality. No, the gifts that come from owning worthiness releases these moments to their individual lessons of compassion, patience and ultimate gratitude. Cleansing, thankful. Wonderful - ready for the next while that much more able to help others in need.

 

- This Carman Girl

 

 

 

Learning Curve

Have you ever noticed that toddlers will repeat a word or phrase until you respond back exactly in kind? A simple nod will not satisfy them. Their increase in knowledge is so accelerated that they seek to verify each piece of learning. What a pure, sweet lesson for adults on the basics of communication. How much more could we grow or avoid misunderstanding if we lent the same attention to our interactions?

 

- This Carman Girl

 

 

 

Mistrial

Holding onto bitterness suggests that one has decided to not only construct the cell, but carry out a sentence that would limit perspective and protect from the frightening parameters of unknown pain.

- This Carman Girl

Sunrise on Creation

Every morning the sun never fails to shine so brightly that it takes my breath away (and/or, causes a small amount of distraction as I'm on the road while taking various children to school). I couldn't miss it again - not one more morning; and rather than pulling over into danger, I took a side turn and captured it as quickly as I could. Intake Complete. Oxygen on Steroids....
 

Happiness in spades.

I am prone to copious amounts of contemplation; I live inside my head so much that things get turned inside out, backwards, upside-down and examined at so many different angles that by the time I'm done thinking, I've found more and more truth. This is what I know: That there are times things happen that don't feel good, that may even cause loss or sorrow, but that eternal truth sees that emotions come and go and that patience and love is what is constant, welcoming, warm and peaceful.

I often have to shove aside my own ego. Many times my mind rises up into a roar that wants to champion things which seem completely unfair to others and causes them significant confusion and pain. I share it sometimes. Know it. Understand it. I am mindful also, of seeing through eternal eyes - eyes which measure our worth not from circumstances, behavior or even the many pitfalls that come along the way from the self-induced or the unnecessarily exacerbated variety. And through those eyes, my soul feels the wisdom of God, His ageless presence and His limitless care as well as His strength and purpose which doesn't recognize time constraints but entreats, nourishes and prods each of us along, steadily, tenderly and without fail.

I think of the power of the sunshine in the morning; its far-reaching rays which shine light brilliantly over the morning dew. It is a continued reminder that timing is so much a part of God's will and plans for each of us as it also gives renewal and the stunning evidence of His miracles. It fills my heart, changes my outlook, allows me to feel less concern over things that prick but will pass and move steadily into a place of continued peace. Patience and peace. Nourishment and Light. Oh, the fences of the morning - the two young foals drinking from their mothers in the pasture. Photos I could not catch today, but will certainly catch another time.

Life is a miracle; to move beyond self and share it with others has a way of obliterating every single care in the world. Yes, it is an increase every day.

 

- This Carman Girl

 

 

 

Redpoint

When people don't think you can it is because they doubt themselves. Do not let other's doubts hold you back. Take hold. Traverse. Ascend. Then gently reach back and encourage them to climb. Redpoint.

- This Carman Girl

Banquet Table

If you are ever to cease worrying about meeting the needs of your children, then you will have to release your parents from any painful disappointments of the past. As you sit within the overwhelming love for your own, realize now, that no matter what you grew up in, your parents did as they could with the capability they had at the time. Let the cycle end with you. Allow for your own failure at times so that your children will be able to allow for theirs. Let loving be more important than perfection and let forgiveness become an active conduit in serving the two.

- This Carman Girl

Wading Pools

I don't believe in such a thing as rejection. Life shifts. Relationships shift. Needs shift as awareness awakens. Growth is unstoppable no matter whether we embrace it or try to deny and bypass all. And although there can be boundaries set, there Is only ever Love if we remember to live by truth while exercising patience and forgiveness.

If there is rejection, it comes from the self-perception of the one who hasn't quite understood what it is to exist in the perfect light of Self and now. Every chapter brings with it the rewards of wisdom so profound that it only every multiplies our capacity for compassion and acceptance.

It's limitless surrender to the possibilities that would.

- This Carman Girl

Vault

I was thinking about how the dips and turns of circumstance can pile up like discarded history books that collect, one after another, until they weigh down the backpack of life. Shoulders hunched, aching from the enormous strain and responsibility. And every event thereafter, no matter what positive new direction it seeks, reacts from the contents and burden of familiar history first.

In the matter of friends, partners, family - the rifts that have long been resolved, no matter what, retain a small thread of negativity. And even though we think that we have released the history because we feel loving, trusting and free from the miscommunication or trials of yesterday, I submit that we really haven't. No, we still carry some of it around. Residual, but there all the same. Consider this:
 

The link that reveals itself is so subtle in manner we're not even aware of the bondage. It is when we are in a like scenario from one of history past, that our response, although void of suspect negativity, remembers stamina. Endurance remembers history no matter what, especially history that was of enormous challenge. And once we feel the labor of endurance, then we have allowed discarded air back into our path and have closed off the opportunity to experience fresh oxygen.

We then cannot see current issue with fresh eyesight.

Take those who fall into depression, struggle with career, or a person with a disability. They reach, they conquer, they continue. Another hurdle presents itself. They reach, they conquer, they continue. And so on until by the time the scenario has addressed itself multiple times, the relativity of mental exhaustion amplifies in like manner.

Mental exhaustion translates to endurance. Endurance translates into the inability to see clear space with unguarded eyes. And oh, isn't that subtle?

Indeed.

But there are lessons to be learned as well. Often the things we revisit the most happen because our behaviors and attitudes haven't changed entirely in a complete paradigm shift and thus invite the same. And we have to ask ourselves whether we truly want to move on and leave the cumbersome volumes to the archives. We must not want to accept "endurance" as an inevitable literary series as a prologue to each study session in life.

No, we must want to shift entirely and leave the past where it lies, deny endurance its position and become friends with perspicuity. Clean.

 

- This Carman Girl

 

 

 

Ra

To embalm means to preserve, and yet when we seek shelter for too long, we run the risk and danger of trading healing powers of solace for sunless patterns of loneliness and rot. Knowing the definitive line of danger is key to reaping the power of original intention and emerging fully into uninhibited freedom.

 

- This Carman Girl

Secrets

The concept of having does not impress me, but Being seeps into my soul and takes full possession. Be that you might have, and you will possess so much more than you thought were worth. Definitions of importance.
 

- This Carman Girl

 

 

 

 

 

Dedicated to the man who fills me every day and makes this life so complete. There is no other measure of a man or a relationship than one of 100 percent give and take, nurturing and nourishment. I am floored daily by what you know inside of me and how much you meet my needs so tenderly, solidly and stalwartly. I feel loved, safe, joyful, free - everything all at once. I love you, Culhain. All I want is you and this beautiful family. Let the world fall away.

 

North Winds

Self perception can easily be skewed since often we lose its meaning and seek outside validation. Some of us can go for years living under the barometer of someone else's opinion. But know this: any negative opinion is not truth but a refraction of another's broken places.

How freeing it is to finally rediscover the original definition. Self perception is our own, from us and in us. And there it remains, strengthened only by the unfailing pursuit of living our own Truth.    

So Fly. Soar up and through all limitations and make Life yours.

 

- This Carman Girl

 

 

 

Destination

Keep it Simple Stupid.  That's what Lee White would always say. And I miss him. I miss all our conversations and that he was probably the only one in history that I knew of that could out-talk me. He was wise, nosy and always keeping the peace. He was in love with his wife and so loyal to his children and did not dwell on the petty. Ever.

And he died of colon cancer six years ago.

I've decided that I hate cancer of any kind. I hate how insidious it is - how it can appear as something whole and healthy and eat people from the insides out whether it's dis-ease or negativity. But even Lee wouldn't see or say that. He'd say that God never failed him even though he had failed God many times. He would say that every day was a good day because the sun was shining. He would say that he loved his children and never felt that they were step-children; they were his, pure and simple.

We went to say goodbye to him at the Hospice in Maryland. They kept him on feeding tubes until we could make the twelve hour drive. I was in shock. He and I had talked and talked, days and days. And every time I sent him a package - I'd find out he'd taken a turn for the worse. But he never let on. Never broke. Never faltered and always seemed to come back. I would sing over the phone Five For Fighting's "If God Made You". I memorized his poem - one he'd written years ago and shared with me during many of our conversations. He wrote it in the middle of a melancholy night at a turning point for him in his youth. It was about procrastination, love and living...

We spoke soft words to each other in the quiet of that hospice room. He recited it and I whispered it back to him.

Here I stand naked and alone
Without hello or goodbye
I felt your pain I heard your cry
I must awaken to the realization
And bypass all procrastination
For in those times of those days
I did love in my way
Now all I have are memories of my
Thirty-second day - Lee White

I cried and squeezed his hands. We left heart-broken because we were losing a giant. Cancer killed him, but it didn't take him. It didn't take him the way cancer takes the hearts of so many people unwilling to see love, unwilling to step into joy. Joy is the only reason to Live. We waste this Life outside of Joy. Lee had every dignity taken from him and he doubted nothing. He found Joy if he could find the energy to walk from the condo office back to his home.

Lee's friend, Stanley, died this month. Stanley beat us to Lee's Hospice room with a fountain Coke. And Cancer has killed Stanley now, too. But I know that cancer did not take him either. If I know Stanley from the brief encounter, the laughter and jokes carried him all the way.

Do negative people around us even see Life this way? Have they become so accustomed to living in negative space that they have no idea that that's what they put out there? Do they not see that it is up to them to change? That Joy has nothing to do with circumstance and that complaining drains life and energy?

My Grandad died four years ago and he was like a father to me. He was a father to me. I talked to him often -sometimes multiple times a day - and had since I was 18. He was my rock. My lodestar. Everything. And I know that he lived long enough to be certain that I was ready to spread my own wings and fly. And I know that he walks inside of my Soul even now.

The lists of other losses are endless for so many people. But every loss is of someone who has made life pivotal and important in one way or another. And those who have left me behind have left me richness and perspective and they have left me Joy. Every loss has been of someone who has stamped their imprint and their legacy inside of my heart. And they Live on. I feel them surround me, waiting for me to remember to stop and to become aware.

I write a lot about being in a euphoric state. I Am. And yet it doesn't mean that my life became miraculously perfect. It doesn't mean that bills are easily paid, children don't go into the emergency room or that relationships aren't in transition. It means that I got "it" and I won't ever let it go. I understand that Happiness is a Choice. Happiness is all we have that's good and honest. Happiness transcends time and leaps into Eternity. Joy is all there is.

And I know...

That of the countless foster homes that Lee went through as a child, of the epilepsy he battled as an adult and of which reacted with his cancer treatments, he could have chosen misery instead of light. He remembers being dropped off by his father at five years old and left with the State. Abandoned. My Grandad experienced an absent father as well. We all have a story that early or late in life, could give us cause to drown in the dark and drag others with us.

Living Joy Is a Choice. Growth is a Choice. It cannot be handed to us and yet the sweetness of embracing it eclipses any other source there is. Take it. Grasp it. Make it yours. Blame is for the weak. Silence is for the fearful. Traction is for those who don't understand that they don't have to come undone but that forward mobility is always there.

Live this life. Every precious last drop. Build your own legacy. Be the catalyst that sets Love in motion and stands up for truth. Not truth in dogma, not truth in opinion. But truth in Love. I don't want to hate cancer, but if I should ever come eye to eye with it - Well, I have footsteps to follow and I'm on my way.

With all my love, with every breath I take - make every day a better day.

 

 

- This Carman Girl

 

 

 

 

 

 

Spring Rain

When we attempt to predict the thoughts of another person, we not only fabricate a story, but create a pseudo experience from which we base our attitudes and emotions upon subsequent interactions. How much more evolved we could be, if we did not fall prey to our own inadequacies and sought direct communication instead. It is the truth that human nature requires not only the same basis of love and acceptance but also reacts with equal protective shields. Not many can be the first to allow for the openness necessary to recognize these commonalities and then speak in the peace necessary to offer a chance for intimate connection.

No matter how many masks or attempts are made to bypass it, the avoidance of truth does not change its reality. Fear of such speaks more of a lack of positive self-perception and a desire to control outcome due to personal insecurity and pain. It is up to each of us, individually, to allow truth an opportunity to speak. And if negative emotion is our first response, then we must identify why we feel threatened before we can embrace a pure desire to give and to receive unfettered communication.

The beauty in finding wholeness of Self is that we understand the boundaries of personal responsibility, have forgiven ourselves for our shortcomings, and seek integrity over perfection. It is a simplicity that is as freeing as it is significant. It allows for the courage to claim ownership, dismiss the tempting fodders of grievance and releases others to experience their own processes. Tilling ground and planting seeds...

 

- This Carman Girl

 

 

 

 

 

Panacea

Truth remains. It exists whether we choose to look or to hide and is a lifeline to hope, to change, to healing and is the serum of self-love. Truth, no matter what it looks like, is the cornerstone to growth.

Truth is where all can find succor and relief, for it is what gives us the opportunity to seize hold of all that can be and to release all that is not. Yes, in truth, life begins.

 

 

- This Carman Girl

 

 

 

Tag Sale

Is there a negative perception that you adopted long ago that was never yours to own and yet you subsequently operated under? And has this perception become a truth for you? If so, can you let it go and assume who you really are meant to be?

- This Carman Girl

Currency

When we are silent, we effectively give ourselves permission to deliberately believe that everyone else has it better. And yet if we take the opportunity to share, it not only opens up vulnerability in such a way as to provide a safe-haven for hope, healing and intimate connection, but it also forces us to undeniably take ownership of our circumstances and realize that we, alone, are responsible for change.

  

- This Carman Girl

 

 

 

Night Games

In order to move into all that you are, you must release every last shred of all that you think you should be.

- This Carman Girl

Blind Corner

It happens while traffic lights swing in the breezes of midnight and conscious thought awakens. Awareness. Stars flicker in a darkened sky that heretofore had been bleak and uninspiring. Lone brake lights flash then pause, suspending time in an open intersection of choices. And this is when reality hits in waves of bubbling hilarity. Comical. Self-centered. Of course, Human.

Too much self-importance in this relatively inconsequential mass of humanity as the enormity of the universe in relation to the planet pulls at the lonely angst of the moment. Telescopic lens from the other side of nowhere in the vast deep sea, magnifies the angle. It's clear evidence that far too many people fill time with inane thought and measureless action.

It's here, as the light turns green, that fear is finally unceremoniously dumped next to a scuffed and abandoned emergency call box. Neither will be recognized henceforth as anything other than ancient cosmic decay blowing at the tumbleweeds of unproductive thought. And it is here, in an obscure and surprising sweep of clarity, that time begins to count once more. Belief gains ground. Hope shifts gears and forward motion finally releases the despondency of traction. 

 

- This Carman Girl

 

 

 

Cherish

Through the eyes of a child, the world is simple. Their days are spent absorbing and learning, and their playtime and imagination are all they need to carry life in sheer delight. They bask in the love and encouragement of their parents and need no more than small reminders that they are important before they are easily satisfied and skip away in laughter to the next adventure. 

As mothers and fathers we encourage, love and laugh over their little ditties and hilarious antics. And yet we don't consider beyond the love of providing for them to see the enormous impact and importance of their esteem for us. For almost immediately after sending them off to school we transition into the adult world, having left the mantle of parenthood upon the front step, our attention becoming focused and centered on the pursuit of definition and fulfillment from the society around us.

And it remains there, always nagging at the edges of our identity, slowly distorting the truth of our place and our worth. And unconsciously we discard the purest source of reflection for who we are, trading fractions of it for the flimsy regard of adults who may not ever count for more than mere acquaintances. And the balance of our attention and priorities could thereby begin to shift if recognition of the cherished gift we already possess is not met.

For there is no greater esteem than that given to us by our children. They are little ones entrusted to us with the wish and the blessings that we as parents will nurture them to become adults within their own right. To lay their measure of love and respect for us as less than, simply because they are naive and young in the now, sorely undermines their potential and value as the adults they will grow to be.

It is our children who remind us that we are perfect just as we are. They hold and exercise the blissful secret to life which views the world with no concern for color, income, position or nationality. They do not measure substance or waist size. They simply revel in the love from their parents, are quick to forgive and just immediately as generous with their delicious cascades of giggles and sparkling eyes. The clasp of little hands held within ours brings them peace and serenity. For we are their parents. We are everything.

And so we are. And have been. From all the way back when our stubby little hands were lost in the firm guidance and grip of our parents. Way back when the loss of our first tooth and the tears from a skinned knee were easily comforted by the kisses and band-aids we now bestow upon ours. We never changed from perfection or worth. We simply aged.

All we need to remind ourselves of our identity is to reconnect with the wisdom of childhood and the reflection of ourselves as we see it within their eyes. And on a higher plane, be equally aware of their reflection shone back from the depths of our adult eyes. Their eyes remind us of who we are as our eyes give them the respect and vision of what they will be.

 

Adult and child, separate yet the same. Cherished.

- This Carman Girl

 

Concepts in Color

Much like racism or any other form of bigotry, eradicating your own personal fissures cannot begin until you have ceased to verbalize or characterize them as pertinent definitions of self.

- This Carman Girl

Diploma

Many congratulate themselves for the prestige and science of knowledge yet fail to see the more important actualization gained from the simple application of living.

- This Carman Girl

Lanterns in the Dark

At the end of the day, the important question to be asked is: Have we given others their own open space to evolve and grow, or are we just as guilty of labeling as we think they are?

All thoughts that go out from us come back. Thoughts are a direct exposure to not just our fears, but what we think of ourselves. And if we're still concerned about being confined to a Box then it is not only a cage of our own making, but one that reflects our own narrow vision of the very people we wish would see us in a different light.

 
And that's the point. We can't make people see. If we're concerned with making people see, then we haven't yet stepped fully into our own power. If we're still caught in wishing, anger and the balance of proof, then we're still courting the image in question.

 

- This Carman Girl

 

 

 

Chalice

I'm thinking of my obsession with the night sky and how if I could, I'd drink its elixir and save a cup for the morning sun. I'm thinking of the families missing each other across miles, divides, war zones. It makes me feel like the universe opens up possibility where none have been, and the wind carries away fears and needs only to deliver breathless freedom. Oh, yes. Give me the night sky...

I think of all the ways that I love and all the reasons why I love. I want to take the very essence of the word and protect it from the manner in which it can be abused. I want love to be unfettered, unbound, unbroken. I want love to punctuate desire, flow like liquid sensuality when it meets its reflection in another soul. I want it to swell and crescendo in palpable recognition when spirit meets fire and emotion is exchanged.

I want the words when uttered, to never be used for anything other than what they should. No pretenders. No cowardice in masking language like, I'm sorry. Don't be mad at me. Do you still love me? Or saying, I love you, only to ease the delivery of disappointment or pain.

And oh, to not perpetuate its abuse by using it as an expression merely to end conversation. I want love to remain untouched. To be valued in not only its form but to retain its meaning. It is an endearment of the most sacred order. It is tender. Love says, Goodbye. Love says, Your soul speaks to Mine. Loves says, Forever.

I want love to make me tremble every time I feel its power and I want to give love so that others feel the same. To make it theirs and to have it be mine. Unmarred, untried, unselfish.

Universal, cherished...Lasting through Time.  

- This Carman Girl

 

Foundations

With every family there are lessons, there is laughter, there is love and there is Legacy. I was thinking of Zachary as he related his day at Kindergarten one day. He said, "Mom, I've never had my card pulled because I always follow the rules. That's because I'm a Blecman, Mom. My friend doesn't know what being a Blecman means, but I do. We're leaders and we always listen and behave."

I cherish this; it makes me smile as much as it fills my heart. Yes, one could say that how I parent is old school - very old school. In fact, I submit to a time, hundreds of years ago, when chivalry and honor meant everything and clans formed together in a solid bond. This is perhaps another reason why I fell in love with Culhain; same ideals, same desires. Same pursuit and interest in seeking love with each other in total partnership rather than thinking we also would need to court the attention of the world as a party to our relationship. No, I am in him as he is in me; it is the two of us, our family, our values and the lessons, attitudes and integrity we want every single one of our children to carry forward in their lives.

It reminds me very much of the basics of happiness: Living gratitude first gives way to selflessness next which truly builds impregnable foundations of Joy. When we remove ego from any and every situation, truth emerges and peace cannot help but be discovered in abundance. Yes, the fruit of the spirit is peace; and of peace, there is Joy ...

So a challenge to anyone who might be feeling a little inadequate, perhaps unrest, mired in confusion or holding onto anything that keeps you locked in patterns you wish to escape:

Ask yourself: What am I thankful for right this very minute and how does it fill and serve me? Do I see that every negative thought, no matter what it is about, comes down to the fear of regard from others?

I maintain that all heartache, stress and struggle comes down to this, but if we can reject the ever-precarious manacles of pride and remember to sit within God's view - well, there you are. Pure. Light shining down from a Heavenly Father who sees in each of us all that he designed for our individual lives, where we are in the lessons and circumstances he has tenderly tailored for our growth, and the gentleness and clarity of the paths He would have us take. Oh, and the world melts away ...

So, Blessings - rich, abundant blessings and so much peace. I'll say it again until my record is broken: Give Love, Be Love; Seek Love to honor Love.

Always, Bec

 

- This Carman Girl

 

 

 

Identity

Identity is as easily changed as the thoughts that created them. I long imagined that as an awkward teen, my identity embodied overweight and unworthy. Interesting that upon a look back into the years which I courted such a self-imposed restrictive box was literally less than five; yes, five - from age 15 to age 20. Even more damning to realize that of those five years I then spent the next 20 flirting with every eating disorder out there. Identity is not innate; it is something we can change on a whim or bring to realization with desire for a different life.  

 

Identity is fickle, fleeting and cannot be stable unless it is built on the merits of the inside of your heart. Anything dependent upon physical desirability, mental acumen or career achievement will come crashing down around you at the slightest setback or crack. And although you may shake your head, sit and reflect upon that for just one moment.

How old was I when I determined who I was and what relative little worth I had? I was a teen. And so were many of us. Most of us gained a skewed view of who we were simply from how we were raised and the limitations our parents had with their own self esteem. Some of us may have passed through our formative years without such wayward thoughts and did not bump along into labeling ourselves until a debilitating illness hit, an accident took our dreams or addiction of one form or another wiped out our ability to fight for a better life.

Even still, that does not matter, identity can still be changed. It may require additional support but it is still an active choice you can make. Since it is self-created, it can be re-created. Bettered. It can become so powerful and free that it melds with the inside of your soul and reflects in powerful rays on the outside of your person.

I think of what could be accounted for as wasted years in the drowning circles of self-hate; and yet I stand grateful for the experience knowing that it only strengthened the character inside of me and allowed me to see through the flaws and conditions of others to accurately view the worth of who they are despite their mistaken identity.

Are you happy? Do you self-deprecate? Start today by living what you know is true inside of yourself. The language will be difficult at first to verbalize, especially since those we surround ourselves with often reinforce our current self-reflection. And there will be those who will find it unsettling to allow this language to turn to the positive because their identity is wrapped in appearing better than you are. Let that go. Do not deter what worth you have and what you are meant to become.

Courage. Faith. Freedom. Laughter. No more walls. No more self-inflicted limitations.

Brush past circumstance, vice, position, health or beauty to understand that none of these matter in the choice of existing within clean air. Many of us who know have grappled with depression, seen death, experienced crippling illness in a variety of forms, and realize without a doubt just how precious this life is. And even still, we must wake up every day and actively remember this gift.

Create your free space now and honor the abundance that surrounds you in the form of nourishing relationships, talent, music, conversation, education. Fill your senses with those things that will fulfill you and bring joy for always. Don't wait.

- This Carman Girl