Parenthood In Real Time

I am listening to my husband instruct our youngest over the plight of being an old soul and the cognizance and intelligence that might simply be lost on other classmates. Zach is sitting on the edge of our bed and listening - heart melts!

James: I don't know why people always have to have one up over each other - but that's life. If life could be summed up, it's someone saying, "Hahahahahaha." But, listen, you got two choices in life: you can walk around with a white tee-shirt, or you can walk around with a target on your back. You want to learn to steer people away from it. If you're getting it all the time, learn to not let it bother you. At the end of the day, it's the least important. If we had to get in the car again because another fire was burning, would you really care about what other people say?!

Shit doesn't bother me because I don't go around it. I used to work with a bunch of jerks who made crazy remarks, and then everything we said was an insult; we sat there and insulted each other for eight hours a day. It was the most intense and uncomfortable life. But, you know what?! You don't have to stay. You don't have to deal with it. Leave it. Don't buy into it. But nine times out of ten, people do that because they're jealous of you.

You have to look at it on another side, though - here's this girl who can't play Connect Four, and so the only way she can win is to have four people help her. This doesn't make you suck if you lose, and it doesn't make her better. For the most part, you actually want to let girls win a little bit so you can give them flowers and buy chocolates and make them feel good about themselves. Your mom doesn't qualify, though, because your mom isn't the average dumb broad. I won't play chess with her because I don't wanna get frustrated and go through that humiliation again. She's different. She masters shit. And I will never play her again because I know I'll lose. Do you understand what I'm saying?! (I'm literally dying laughing at this point and want to hug my husband like a crazy woman!! HAHA.)

Next time, don't worry about those clowns helping out the dumb girl. Let her win if you need to, once in a while. She'll think she'll have won by herself. So, what you gotta do, though, is take it upon yourself to let your ego lose sometimes. It's poison, literally poison to hold onto negativity. It's a bad thing; the more you have it, the more it will get to you, and it feeds itself. The more it happens, the less you can deal with it. Don't let it start. The fun is about the game, not who wins. Plus, it will help you with you having the need to always win, too.

You and all of your brothers are perfectionists; your mom has instilled in you to always have success, but what needs to actually be cultivated in you is to be okay with losing sometimes. Sometimes failures can teach you more in life than winning. Some of the most successful people in this world failed and yet it perfected them. And it means more. Learn to lose and you'll learn to win.

(My husband - instructing our youngest son... ) #SUPERBLESSED #AMAZINGFATHER <3 Included was reference to the Valley Fire of 2015. We made it. But the memories will never, EVER, be forgotten.

Living Joy - This Carman Girl

Heart Song

Today's news is personal; I thought that perhaps it might be too personal, but I can't hold back the greatness of God nor His ever-abiding love and care for us. So, I feel compelled to put everything out there. Smiles. (Like I don't over-share anyway!) But it comes from my heart and I wish it to pour into anyone who feels alone, hopeless, tired, or in need.

I'm always trying to better myself; I think that I should be so much more as well as so much less - less intense, more resourceful, perfectly at peace with my body, better at mothering - the list is endless. Every day is one that I wake up to almost an inhalation - holding my breath as I power through trying to conquer my faults. Come on, Becca. Come on, Bec. Better, faster, stronger. Motto for always. Motto that is mine.

At any rate, I backtracked again and went through the usual cycles to pull out of it - sadness, frustration with myself, a touch of bleakness, you name it. And then I usually spiral just a little bit further to make sure that I am just as unworthy as I feel in hopes that it might assuage my guilt for missing where I wanted to be within my never-ending expectations of Self. I made it through the cycle and on a determined breath of energy, re-launched.

I pray often - but it is more through continual conversation with Heavenly Father rather than tradition prayer (yes, I love knowing that there is always an open line into Heaven for always). Smiles. So, I was driving back from taking one of my twin sons to his talent show, and I said to Heavenly Father, "I think I've got it." No sooner had I even breathed the last syllable then I felt this warmth come over my body and His words whisper through my head, "I'm proud of you."

It was so unexpected that I broke into tears. I felt a release of struggle, of explanations for why I don't make my goals time, and time again -- the getting something with my head and yet that ever-so-difficult implementation into life. Oh, the cliff many of us stand on in an absurd struggle to stay on the ledges of insecurity!

I knew more powerfully than in any other moment of my lifetime, that struggle doesn't have to be. God is our Father, He is our Maker. He blesses us from the smallest infinitesimal miracle to the larger ones that fill our beings with absolute wonder and humility. More than that, the battle has already been won by Christ. We do not have to continually beat ourselves up for how many times we backtrack. We must just continue to come unto Him, "all who are weary" when those times in our lives happen.

It's hard to explain to people the joy that I feel every day. Some think that it must be fake -- because no one can feel that Joy. Some think that everything must be perfect in my life and dislike my expression of it. None of this is true. I testify that my joy comes from the knowledge of God's intimate love, gentleness, and care. I want to share with all of my Being that "perfect Love casteth out all Fear."

My husband and I are in the middle of the same things many people are struggling with: health and job woes, financial uncertainty; but, the laughter, faith and love that exists on a constant plane of feeling of God's love, is indescribable. Palpable. Real and sure. Because of our challenges, we feel of the miracles in ways that are faith-building and joy-sustaining.

Adding this very humbling experience - one that taught me beyond my own knowledge that struggle is man-made, I feel so compelled to share a witness to the fact that our Heavenly Father does, indeed, have His hand out waiting and His arms wide open, for every single one of us. And what we must do is stop thinking that we have to try so hard by ourselves first; for, all we have to do is simply take His hand as we are, right now, to feel love and peace, encouragement and comfort, while walking through our Life experiences.

I love God with all of my heart. I love this family more than I could possibly express. And if the over-sharing today hits someone who needs it - I hope you feel deeply in this moment - in supplication of our Almighty, that you *are* worth it. And to let go the stripes you put upon your own back no matter how many times you think you fail or want. Christ died for us. The battle and the pain have already been won and are taken. We do not need to suffer. Step into Love and believe on His name.

Happy Sunday. ♥

Bec

(Blog written February 10, 2013)

Adjunct Professor

Education is not necessarily about teaching our children what to think; it's about empowering them to begin *to* think. Current condition, dressed with ambition, and yet powered by intellection and fueled by inspiration, is everything. Period.

I cannot decry social-engineering and the homogeneity of group identification enough.

Be one. Be you. Be. Synapses on fire, but with action potential.

Seriously.

Living Joy - This Carman Girl

Downpour

Pelting rain cleanses my soul, washes away tears, and makes me feel whole.

- Living Joy - This Carman Girl <3

Beckoning Skies

Celebrate life. Every single day. To deny this miracle is to ignore the sanctity of breath. And for those of us linked to critical healthcare, we can't help but be reminded of mortality at any given moment.

Life is a gift, each hour , each day; to complain is to usher in the end of joyful being.

I say: Live in truth, bask in opportunity, and multiply growth.

Living Joy - This Carman Girl

Letterhead

Letterhead

At first I liked this photo, but now I've decided that I don't since it presupposes assumed ranks of importance.

I decry any semblance of hierarchy in that respect: there is no such thing as superior or inferior. Not one whit of any kind of relevance comes from title, ownership, property, education, clothing, social circles, or popularity. When stripped of any vestige of what may validate worldly importance, we are then left gloriously unconfined as very unique and worthy spirits of great and equal value.

The only disparity to be concerned with in this life is the one found in those who have lost belief and are uncertain of hope -- who don't understand that there is more, and wouldn't even comprehend where to begin. And that invites absolute responsibility for those of us who have assumed such power to then share our testimonies to thus reignite belief.

More often, it is the laborer who commands the greater nobility by virtue of his quiet surety, and profound self-possessed security. Most often, it is those who have fallen into crippling cycles, who share the most beautiful humanity -- reflections from their eyes casting want, need, desire, reluctance, fear, powerlessness, and a settling - all concerns that may haunt each and every one of us from time-to-time.

Where is the inferiority in that?

We all teach each other in some form or another; inferior is never a thing, and of those who feel themselves superior, all too often they become duped by their own self-imposed faux exceptionalism -- consequently, blindsided when a corporate expiration date deems them unworthy, they experience failing health, financial ruin, abysmal performance, company "restructure" , and/or age leaves them shelved and forgotten alongside the useless antiquities of a once grandiose curio cabinet.

Let us teach our children that it is *who* they are that is paramount, and not ever *what* they are. If this foundation was adamantly encouraged - eschewing all else - then the power of purpose and potential would eliminate the current quarrels and cacophony of rioting over "equality," effectively rendering such allegations, null and void.

Individuality is a sacred commodity worth the investment, as legacy supersedes notoriety when death claims control; for it's intangible wealth that gifts generations more so than any monetary recompense ever could.

And beyond the first blush and high of income, home ownership, purchase, skills, or what-not -- in the end, none of this matters but the man, himself.

I say: Give wisely. Live largely. Amplify powerfully. And venerate quietly. This is what it means to magnify life.

Living Joy - This Carman Girl

Tears

I left work the other night and headed to the grocery store, where, once inside, I passed by a gentleman who simply captivated my attention. He was older, stooped, relatively cleanly dressed, but was also clutching a family-sized bag of Doritos as if the decision to purchase it warranted heavy consideration. He would set it down, pick up something else, and then change his mind.

I did my best to study him covertly; I didn't want to be obvious - but, something wasn't right -- he was different. I felt all of my senses on alert and pieces of my heart already painting what was surely the correct picture. It wasn't until he pulled out the change in his pockets, and I saw calculations flit across his face, that I really confirmed what was happening. And my heart seized.

So many of us have been there; so many of us have come to know, through trial and struggle, how to appreciate even the last penny, and to thank God everyday for His blessings.

Every day, I am kissed and adored by my husband, laughter reigns in our home, our children participate in fun and yet wonderful lengthy discussions; and for some odd reason, I have been gifted to work for the best place on earth.

I don't know how or why I am privileged to such a life, but I do know that it is simply the most incredible gift. And when I see such things - hardships for others - it hits me squarely and I feel emotional, thankful, sad, lucky, and oh-so-humbled.

Who am I to enjoy what I have?! It just renews this fire inside of me to be sure that I can share, give love, and endeavor to radiate hope to anyone who needs it.

Make no mistake: It's not as though I haven't spent the last nine months fearful of keeping a roof over our heads --surely, I have awakened in the middle of the night with tears pouring down my cheeks, angry, sad, bewildered as to why, even still -- in spite of my hard work, promotions, and raise, after raise, that our household could still be subject to an outside entity who would continue to change jobs, duck, and avoid supporting his own.

And yet, the Lord has surely shown me through these last months of exceptional difficulty, that He cannot circumvent others' free will, but when His purpose is sure -- specifically noting the consecration and protection of our home -- the Lord reigns. Nothing can come against His path for our lives.

And in that, I have finally been able to let go anger; for we're not subject to anyone but our God. My husband and I, of ourselves, have line, upon line, been blessed with profound increase. And such witnesses have only compounded a fierceness of testimony within my soul -- another reason why I'm so cognitive, sensitive, perceptive, grateful. Present.

Alive.

And, so Joyful.

And, so -- having shared this -- and believe me -- I'm the last person to judge a book by its cover. Well, I maintain that Hope is everything.

It truly is; for it is not just hope, but the belief in more, that has brought me every step of the way into this beautiful peace and grace sheltered by God's powerful hands. Certainly, sometimes fear licks at my heels (and I have a good cry with the peeps I'm closest with - who get me back on track), but now I know better.

And so, turning back to this gentleman, I lost him when I arrived at the check-out counter. Still, I was compelled to slide my card for additional cash. There was a burning in my heart to find him thereafter --- and, so I did. He was down another isle, still clutching his bag of Doritos while fingering other things. Quietly, I handed him the bills, knowing with all of my heart, that as they left my hands and were cupped in his palms, it was not my gift, but that of our Father in Heaven.

I swear my body felt so many goose bumps and the presence of so much more. And the expression on this man's face broke my heart further - as if it was so crazy to imagine that he might be worth a blessing. And I had to tell him that God is good all the time.

I testify of this.

None of us have what we have - that which is good, blessed, fruitful, and of good report - upon our own steam. It is all from belief, humility, trust, and the willingness to find Joy in the small things. And every want, need, loneliness, desire, dream is being gifted daily.

To maintain such faith and yet understand our individual smallness and infinite worth at the same time, is confounding in that it's joy and weakness and pure happiness all at once.

Since then, I have been a recipient in like manner by angels whom I work with this holiday season. And I have been lost to tears, recognition, wholeness, floored. In numerous ways.

God surely loves all of his children. And. Whew. <3

Believe.

Living Joy - This Carman Girl

Colors

In truth, I don't fit a mold; I don't seek social status or position to delineate my sense of worth or to confirm some kind of superficial hierarchy. And yes, while I would very much like to never have to worry about whether I can provide a roof over our heads, clothes for the family, or fear of being unable to satisfy impending bills, I still - even now, and every day - define us as blessed.

In truth, my heart beats to a different drum. In truth, I am alive in thoughts, conversation, discussion, perspicacity. I am alive in the tiniest miracles that happen every single day. I am alive in the people whom I meet in a grocery store line, in those I observe at work, in everyday errands, in the dearest friends who "get" my crazy heart.

I want meaning. And I crave it and demand it in every absolute expression of value and significance. I want to understand it, grasp it, champion it, and then become.

This is why I step outside to inhale the night sky, drenching myself in my endless obsession with the limitless universe and the rise of the moon. This is why I can't help myself but to breathe in the elixir of the stars and call them mine.

This is when I feel the power of "I am" the most.

For, I am.

I am is a theme song, and we all have been called to our own...

This is what I'm talking about: when our souls meet the clouds and vaporize into mist, rise with the stars, and then exceed their midst. Because the love of the Lord and His creations will overwhelm our senses and confirm inherent truths of worthiness, paths, miracles, and direction.

This is where my spirit dwells; this is where it floats. This is where the exuberance of childish laughter and the sweetness of anticipation for the smallest things, bubbles up and out from my chest in gusts of joy. This is why I am mesmerized by the seemingly mundane: my husband making dinner - his never-ending jokes, the echoes of laughter responding to such quips, and our daughter home for Christmas from college. Oh, to be together in the warmth of family! <

Yes, I could look around me to see all that is broken, weathered, undone. Yes, I harbor human wants that sometimes nag at my senses or want to argue with comparison; but I can't give them energy or allowance because I am so filled with the sweet miracles that happen every single day for us. And it is in these that I know the Lord is mindful and generous, without fault, and very much vested in timing and intention. It is in these that I am witness to His unerring love for all of His children and why I am filled, spent, euphoric.

While parts of me wonder if just being delighted with the smallest things might not just be a defense mechanism in disbelieving we could be worthy of larger things, I leave that to the purity of mindfulness and the willingness to discover, uncover, and be amenable to the excitement of future and healing. Whatever that looks like.

In the mean time, however, I am still, thankful, quiet, and content. Indeed, I feel the timing and details of all things...

This, fulfills my everything.

- Living Joy - This Carman Girl

Credit: My "On This Day" post, December 18, 2017.

Just My Soul, Spinning Snippets of a Story...

(Robert Louis Stevenson Trail, Mt. St. Helena, Sept. 2012)

Twas simply the gnome, peeking out from the dark crevice of a mossy rock, who had caused the comical ruckus in its entirety. Certainly the poor, unfortunate belching frog had come along at the most opportune moment and should be awarded his due for participation in the scheme, but the master plan was the gnome's alone and the results had been priceless. That would teach those silly humans for a while. His laughter echoed on, still disguised by the residual effect of so high-pitched a shriek, it made him fall into yet another bout of humorous aside.

Even so, he could never understand the brain within such professedly intellectual, self-assured creatures. Every day, it was one fool or another, slinging a backpack in silly shoes made precisely for "hiking." Hiking?! A recreational venture he understood to be a form of weekend diversion generally done simply for the lauding of it later to their own communities. Again, his shoulders threatened to convulse as he thought of how Clif bars, water bottles, and the buffoonery of their posture, all took a turn in the air from the rollicking results of his little ditty.

Did the humans really dare to think that they could traipse through his terrain without some kind of set-down for the allowance of their often irritating trespass? With just a hint of residual mirth, he shoved off from the cold stone, one more simple bounce from his shoulders and a self-satisfied smile teasing the ends of his whiskers.

Truth be told, Master Gnome Kittayous Disastrous (as he was known in those parts) would have done much more but for the distraction of two tiny faeries, tittering in delight across the dense foliage, ready to rout him out in an equally mischievous game. He retreated farther on a sigh... still remembering the singular sounds of the men, their clumsy footprints squashing perfectly beautiful leaves into the dense, rich, damp and earthy soil.

He should have deserved a moment or two of more fun. Those seemingly pesky, but often more delightful girly things, with iridescent sparkling wings and high-arched brows, always wanted to compete. But for them, he would have done more; still, his eyes glittered with appreciation and admiration for their tactics, noting even further that all was fair within the ancient rules of this mountain home.

With that, the gnome melted into the darkness, the whisper of his felt boots sliding into the deep, his ever-impish presence simply nothing more than the mirage of the sun, glinting off the damp and dewy lichen that grew upon towering conifers and fallen logs alike...

- Living Joy - This Carman Girl <3

Note: This girl might blog about joy, or spew thoughts from a soapbox of opinion, but her childish imagination is still alive and well. I credit my mom, Elen McConnell Wright, for any, and every, foray into imagination. During the years we were home-schooled (in my youth), each morning, my mother would leaf through a book of paintings, pick one, discuss the artist, and then ask us to write an essay or story surrounding the piece. It's because of this that my eyes soak up the scenery, and my heart beats so surely with what it is to seek, know, and enjoy -- More. <3Smiles...

Seminary

While credentials can be integral to job preparation, applicable education, however, is the vital means by which we explore theory and reason, relevancy, artistic reconnaissance, intellectual acumen, psychological conditioning, refractory questions, and the accumulation of said summations that would substantiate the innate gifts we each possess.

When education is sought only as a means to an end, it ceases to yield value; for those who seek its letters as merely a mark of recognition on an otherwise meritless resume, such fool themselves, gravely discounting the pursuit of excellence and mindful intelligence, in favor of abysmal ignorance, printed upon the disenfranchised despondency of an often argued, dissected, and comparison-driven paycheck.

Ergo: greed. Yield: artificial need. Epilogue: certain depression.

While universities should be respected and lauded as foundations of formal achievement, it is only through a mindset that would voraciously seek the continuation of learning - as if through a child's eyes (with curiosity and an insatiable need that could never be harnessed, bridled, nor confined) - that such could ever successfully contend against the propagation of incumbent rhetoric or disingenuous dogma.

Knowledge is an infinite quest, granting each of its students an unerring library of thought and consideration, experience, and idealism -- yes, a vast and veritable prolific garden of intractable truth.

True education not only encourages singular thought and the allowance for the possibility of untried consequence, but it also relishes and supports any and all of the above as a significance that would and could contribute a mark upon this world.

In layman's terms: I suspect that one could learn a vastness of wisdom and knowledge by simply interviewing one of our elderly, truly receiving their life's actualization over and above any kind of prideful mark embossed upon shiny letterhead.

Let that sink in.

Drenched in humility.

For while there will always be one who solely seeks income, there will equally stand alone a spirit who is mindful, soul-filled, ponderous, and yet so incredibly floored by even the most humble inheritance.

In this world, we either have the choice to seek gain, or reap meaning to enjoy eternity.

Living Joy - This Carman Girl

Prognosis

I suppose this is a war cry of sorts: we are who we are, and it's not up to us to prove someone else's variant, mistaken perception of us - ever. 

When in every moment we are engaged in the truth of our own souls, it is enough; and so, to disregard the naysayers and climb ever onward! The only groups worthy of any notice, whatsoever, are those who are vested in uplifting (rather than sidelining) in the often socially acceptable mire of stasis, complaints, accusations, and mire.

I SAY: Put on your running shoes, and drink in PURE OXYGEN.

GRINS. I DO. Oh, it's Glorious. Own your truth.

Living Joy - This Carman Girl

Petals

My soul is filled, joyful, thankful. I cannot help but feel the power there is to be found in personal choice, thought, accountability -- in gratitude for the smallest things, and how the shift from comparison to compassion, broadens the scope from a simplicity of merely being, into a conscious realm of active living. 

This is why my spirit springs from my heart, loud with joy, and perhaps overly expressive. It's in interaction, service, and the privilege it is to have loved and learned, wept and laughed, found myself in the midst of heartache, and yet risen to the other side in perfect appreciation for what was then, and is so miraculously now.

Regardless of circumstance.

In defiance of darkness.

In a pool of light and truth that separates all that might whisper doubt or fear as not turbulence to consider, but reminders of what diligently sustains foundations of grounded well-being.

To stubbornly decide upon hope, day after day -- every thought, every moment. Every time.

It's invitation to rise up to embrace the unknown -- through any and every heavy storm, searing heat, frozen landscape, or parched earth. To accept such with an openness of heart and a willingness that would seek meaning from the gradient shades of perspective gained through inclement weather.

It's to disallow pride to yield to humility; to give, to receive, to love, to honor, to forgive, to confide, to cherish.

It's delicate rosebuds polished with diamond droplets, waiting patiently for their moment to blossom -- neither anxious for the morrow, nor envious of other lovelies basking in their own crowning beauty. These never think to fear the inevitable peak when petals will fall, and they must meekly relinquish cloak and gown, until the next time.

It's the shining testimony of God's resplendent earth -- semblant metaphors bearing fruit, cheerfully confident in exercising truth and ownership, cognitive of timing and living their glory, wise to the present, and yet willing to bend to the ebb and flow of birth and growth, life-cycle and change.

It's to soak up the rain, and to live in laughter.

Living Joy - This Carman Girl

Fall Leaves

Sometimes, the wind serves as a reminder that there's opposition in all things. And that's not only okay -- but, paramount. Truth cannot be conjugated and/or absorbed until such a time that it presents itself without mercy as to its notice. While parodies or excuses of truth might proliferate and abide, honest truth - above guile or mal-intent -- remain. Period.

For truth, of itself, is unchangeable: not for the season, condition, perception, history, emotion, etc.

No, truth exists of its own accord; and, as I've blogged before, wisdom is its advocate. To embrace its gifts and receive such bounty is to release enclaves of blame in favor of perspective and harmony.

Offerings.

Living Joy - This Carman Girl 

<3

Stillness

To serve is mindful, humbling, and yet renewing. We may not be able to change the world, but to make someone's day might change theirs. Either way, we are forever changed in the process. 

Living Joy - This Carman Girl

Silhouette

Women who own their authenticity, and fully grasp the inherent divinity of their individual creation, are those who shun gossip and decry demeaning behavior. These are the powerful women, the soft-spoken women, the influential; these are women who are not fueled by popularity, but by grace. They return light and easy smiles in meekness and kinship instead of floundering in backbiting, negativity, or scorn.

So, let us all rise up into such truth; for when we've owned ourselves, then there's nothing to prove, but everything to support and love.

To stand in strength, solidarity, ownership, and renewal.

This is to command life. #UnapologeticallyLivingLarge #InspireOthers#FuelGrowth #SingIt #RebelChoir

Living Joy - This Carman Girl

Cart Roundup

Last night, I sat in a parking lot and casually noted couples walking into the grocery store together. For the majority, one would walk ahead of the other; very rarely, did I see any walking in tandem with even the barest element of expressing their attachment.

I also watched elderly people who appeared seemingly distracted: the first was a gray-haired, slightly-bent wife tottering on, gesticulating wildly in shocking verbal abuse; while for another couple, it was the lean, balding but bearded husband, who expressed obvious irritation and anger at having to wait for his spouse.

There were several mothers carrying children - one had a child who was perched on her hip as the other was in the top of a cart; some were yelling at their young, while others looked visibly exhausted as they sorted through paper bags, food items, and clipped their little ones into car seats.

I also observed husbands of varying ages in either complete disregard of their wives, or all the more scorned for the trying; some seemed to completely ignore their part in the leadership of the family, while others were very definitely unable to do anything but "fall into line," as it were, so as not to incur their young wife's harried wrath.

Such scenarios played out within as little as twenty minutes -- and it gave me pause to evaluate, internalize, and learn.

Do we continue to invest as we did, once upon a time? Do we walk ahead impatiently; or more sadly, reprimand a spouse only because we're in our own hurried flow of stressful energy?

Are we cognitive of the ownership of singular potential, or that of those whom we've chosen to share our lives with? Do we really understand, to the most elemental degree, that our chosen family should merit our absolute and continual highest regard?

What misplaced priorities over-shadow such relationships? When did struggle or complacency, collected over time, undermine the sacredness of marriage and/or family?

My thoughts circled back to the unequivocal truth that with any relationship, what we put into it is what will come to be; we have to take ownership of internal intent. So, I say: Be the couple who laughs and loves for always.

What I have come to learn is that there is a fallacy in youth that somehow each of us grow up with this idea that, in some way, we'll learn to do everything "right", and then make it to a plateau of peace without trial; but, that simply isn't so - in fact, it's quite directly the opposite. Yet, what's so incredibly soul-filling, and so humbling, is the knowledge that who we're blessed to share life with, is everything. And, more -- what we do with that will either make life easier, or present stumbling blocks.

Invest; for circumstances will always come and go, but the perceptions and attitudes we allow within our consciousness will either invade a union or strengthen its design.

#LiveJoy #LoveFamily #CreateLife

Living Joy - This Carman Girl  

Dusk

There are so many stories inside of me that I want to share about growth and loss, blessings and renewal, heartache and loneliness, devastation and the dogged sense and pursuit of infinite hope. These are stories that, when I think of my family - when I think of the Valley Fire (and every single one since), when I think of my extended family - the exchange of words seems to present a tangible spirit of wonder all their own within the letters -- as if each word is a solid form, rather than a brush stroke or hurried scribble. 

I feel as though the very oxygen we breathe in our community shares stories without even the formation of a syllable. I feel a kinship to home and neighbors so powerful that it's as if I see only the hearts of people, and have ceased to be able to ever return to the idea of stress, "busyness," and the ever-present haunting angst of being "enough." And if I can't begin to share all of the thoughts I really want to - to properly put them into phrases and expression - it honestly wouldn't matter; for, individual stories emanate from every single face within this community. They are demonstrated within the choke of tears, in the unabashed abruptness of laughter, in tenderness, in faith, in receiving. 

In simply being.

I heard the softness of my mother's voice and her quiet strength the other night, knowing the imminent loss of her husband. I can hear his words still as he whispered through the phone lines, "I love you, sweetheart." I felt his spirit to the depth of my soul; it was larger than his aging body. In turn, I craved every lilt and lightness in my sister's soft voice and quiet discussion later that night; I soaked up the gift of her ease and acceptance of humanity at large. She truly embodies love - always creating, pondering, inspiring, and molding life. 

Don't you see?!

Every second is our second. 

Every single one.

Time is nothing, and yet it is everything. Every day, life is within us and beyond us. And so, in all ways, I feel my spirit carried in the wind and echoing outward, meeting, grieving, feeling, laughing, thinking, exploring. Experiences are open-ended and eternal. The family we love and lose are forever there. Still. 

I am hanging onto "I love you, sweetheart," knowing that it's a voice and love that cannot be parted by mortality, ever. Ever. And I'm hanging onto the truth that no one leaves us entirely when such a loved one has gifted a legacy through simply having risen up to live, seek, share, and embrace an unforgettable life.

In light of such things -- call me crazy, but the charred ruins of the hills that surround me catch my breath by their sheer audacity of will and uncompromising spirit. I am in love with our county. I am in love with every burned spot of ground, every small shoot of green, every hollowed oak, solitary chimney, or otherwise. 

I am in love with the patients whom I am blessed to serve; I am humbled by the unspeakable responsibility it is to consciously be aware that it is my first obligation to step outside of any personal difficulties simply for the sacred privilege of executing my job. And, more -- it is the whole sum of humanity in all of its states that reaches back and gifts my understanding with a multiplicity of introspection and awareness. A monumental cognition of blessings. A shift in expectation, valuation, needs.

Tenacity, to me, is beautifully sacred -- nothing else could ever score so high. 

So it is with fire, death, hardship, or the unknown. What I have come to know (and to never depart from such a truth of vital consequence) is that what matters in this life begins, ends, or converges when the recesses of soulful exchange -- on the most raw levels -- witnesses the purest essentials of love and human need. Period.

This, alone, engenders happiness and develops legacy. 

Living Joy - This Carman Girl

Thunder Bay

There is no measurement or achievement that truly counts but the one that teaches. So, all you have to ask yourself is: what am I learning now?

Living Joy - This Carman Girl