Tears

I left work the other night and headed to the grocery store, where, once inside, I passed by a gentleman who simply captivated my attention. He was older, stooped, relatively cleanly dressed, but was also clutching a family-sized bag of Doritos as if the decision to purchase it warranted heavy consideration. He would set it down, pick up something else, and then change his mind.

I did my best to study him covertly; I didn't want to be obvious - but, something wasn't right -- he was different. I felt all of my senses on alert and pieces of my heart already painting what was surely the correct picture. It wasn't until he pulled out the change in his pockets, and I saw calculations flit across his face, that I really confirmed what was happening. And my heart seized.

So many of us have been there; so many of us have come to know, through trial and struggle, how to appreciate even the last penny, and to thank God everyday for His blessings.

Every day, I am kissed and adored by my husband, laughter reigns in our home, our children participate in fun and yet wonderful lengthy discussions; and for some odd reason, I have been gifted to work for the best place on earth.

I don't know how or why I am privileged to such a life, but I do know that it is simply the most incredible gift. And when I see such things - hardships for others - it hits me squarely and I feel emotional, thankful, sad, lucky, and oh-so-humbled.

Who am I to enjoy what I have?! It just renews this fire inside of me to be sure that I can share, give love, and endeavor to radiate hope to anyone who needs it.

Make no mistake: It's not as though I haven't spent the last nine months fearful of keeping a roof over our heads --surely, I have awakened in the middle of the night with tears pouring down my cheeks, angry, sad, bewildered as to why, even still -- in spite of my hard work, promotions, and raise, after raise, that our household could still be subject to an outside entity who would continue to change jobs, duck, and avoid supporting his own.

And yet, the Lord has surely shown me through these last months of exceptional difficulty, that He cannot circumvent others' free will, but when His purpose is sure -- specifically noting the consecration and protection of our home -- the Lord reigns. Nothing can come against His path for our lives.

And in that, I have finally been able to let go anger; for we're not subject to anyone but our God. My husband and I, of ourselves, have line, upon line, been blessed with profound increase. And such witnesses have only compounded a fierceness of testimony within my soul -- another reason why I'm so cognitive, sensitive, perceptive, grateful. Present.

Alive.

And, so Joyful.

And, so -- having shared this -- and believe me -- I'm the last person to judge a book by its cover. Well, I maintain that Hope is everything.

It truly is; for it is not just hope, but the belief in more, that has brought me every step of the way into this beautiful peace and grace sheltered by God's powerful hands. Certainly, sometimes fear licks at my heels (and I have a good cry with the peeps I'm closest with - who get me back on track), but now I know better.

And so, turning back to this gentleman, I lost him when I arrived at the check-out counter. Still, I was compelled to slide my card for additional cash. There was a burning in my heart to find him thereafter --- and, so I did. He was down another isle, still clutching his bag of Doritos while fingering other things. Quietly, I handed him the bills, knowing with all of my heart, that as they left my hands and were cupped in his palms, it was not my gift, but that of our Father in Heaven.

I swear my body felt so many goose bumps and the presence of so much more. And the expression on this man's face broke my heart further - as if it was so crazy to imagine that he might be worth a blessing. And I had to tell him that God is good all the time.

I testify of this.

None of us have what we have - that which is good, blessed, fruitful, and of good report - upon our own steam. It is all from belief, humility, trust, and the willingness to find Joy in the small things. And every want, need, loneliness, desire, dream is being gifted daily.

To maintain such faith and yet understand our individual smallness and infinite worth at the same time, is confounding in that it's joy and weakness and pure happiness all at once.

Since then, I have been a recipient in like manner by angels whom I work with this holiday season. And I have been lost to tears, recognition, wholeness, floored. In numerous ways.

God surely loves all of his children. And. Whew. <3

Believe.

Living Joy - This Carman Girl