There you are, ball cap on, legs splayed in powerful stance and muscled arms resting loosely at your sides. You are the force of man -- a picture of stature and prowess. Your home is large and equal to your neighbors'; your title at work imbues security and success, while the Jeep parked in the driveway evidences virility. Identity. Flexed and tan, you stand at a local park watching your kids excel at sports. Chest puffed out, you've obviously made it -- all this points to one thing: you are Someone.
Then pink slip comes in, Jeep breaks down, discouragement and disillusionment cloud your image. Depression sets in but disguises itself with anger, silence, division, derision. Calls begin, one after another, demanding payment on overdue bills. The vibration of the cellphone is no longer business deals made or golf times confirmed, but instead, tension-mounting pressure. Even your neighbors do not know what to say. It is awkward in all directions.
Arguments spring up within your marriage. You find yourself falling into the safety of a walled-up space that decides that no matter what, nothing you say or do will make a difference to the outcome. You hide behind an internal statement which declares that you can't please anyone. There is no point in trying; you think you are a worthless failure. Everything you ever set your identity on has disappeared and seems to laugh and taunt at the vestiges of what little remains of a sense of self.
The sounds of anger in the house transition from unaccustomed shattered silence to drumming white noise. A daughter may push for excellence to avoid the conflict, while a son may shelve brilliance just to exercise his own anger at being helpless to the situation. And as a man, your ego is so embattled it cannot discern anything but the uselessness of life. Anger is the only coping tool you have. Snide. Sneering. Stalking off, or shutting away. Things you may have enjoyed hold little interest, and you wonder why the world has turned against you.
But there stands your wife.
And she wishes you to see. She did not fall in love with your muscled arms, nor ball cap; she did not find status in your resume, selfish pride in the merits of your children, nor measured your testosterone by the horsepower of the engine idling on the street. She does not care one whit about the square footage of your home, nor the landscaping of her neighbors'.
Her eyes are clouded with worry, uncertainty -- distrust even. Anguish, loneliness, perhaps even bewilderment. She shares worry for the finances, yet aches with the inability to reach your jagged dejection that very well could leave her entirely closed-out. She cannot reach out because you have placed her on the side of "them". You have decided that since you are no longer worthy, that she must think so, too.
She did not ask for the world to fall in either and she fears, more than anything, that along with the frightening conditions of struggling to keep a household together, she will ultimately lose the very man she fell in love with by virtue of his inability to re-assess the measurement of his worth. All that was lost was a job. And now she may lose the man. Over a job.
And she wonders, what is the price of a man's spirit? Is it his annual paycheck of $100,00? $60,000? $45,000? Is this what will ultimately be the catalyst for maintaining his masculinity and power? Is the loss of career or abrupt departure from a corporation only interested in their fair market value, worth losing his entire family and self respect over?
No. When she classifies man, she thinks of power and leadership of a different variety. She thinks of humor, direction, learning and conversation. She falls in love all over again when she watches you take time to explain to your son the merits of his choices; she experiences joy when she watches your encouragement and support of his ambitions. She is glad that her daughter may no longer feel the need to be a driving super power of perfection just to somehow fill your void or feed you vicarious happiness.
She is humbled by the power of your stature when you pause and choose to swing back around to address the tough issues of finance, or miscommunication, instead of slamming the door and retreating to deafening silence. Her heart melts with emotion when she feels you hear her soul, and yet knows she has touched yours as well.
Her body reacts with arousal to the laughter in your eyes and the wicked tilt of your grin. She does not want the loss of job and title to take away those things she loved to see you excel in-cycling, sports, hiking, camping. She remembers where you've traveled together and the places you made love along the way.
Her world has caved in with yours, but only to circumstance, not self-possession. She wants to rise up with you, as the team you were meant to be - you are indomitable, the both of you. She knows it and wishes you to see that your value has never decreased within her eyes. She knows that circumstances and jobs can always be replaced, that success is a veritable misnomer, yet the soul of a man is represented in power and virility by his wisdom, choices, integrity, gentleness, and intellect.
She fell in love with the beating heart of a man, not the merits of the world.
- Living Joy This Carman Girl
Note: This blog was borne from a culmination of thoughts brought about from witnessing so many families struggling with financial loss. Men take it the hardest (and they shouldn't), while it seems that so many women these days are so bent upon establishing a misplaced sense of worth world-wise, that they either inadvertently, or blatantly, emasculate their men. Such a thing guarantees shredding a marriage ten-fold.
I cannot say enough that titles do not make one iota of difference as to the magnitude of a person's value. Character does, however. It remains, and it can't be bought nor demoted. It is a solidarity of being inviolable to social esteem, pride, or persuasion. To attribute worth, or set emotional well-being upon the haves of a bank account and/or title, is not simply shallow, but a recipe and guaranteed risk for failure and worthlessness when one no longer matters to the youth-obsessed appetites of the general populace.
What we seek is very definitely what we will reap. Be sure to build what matters: legacies of character and ideals. The things that make a difference are those of the spirit - those that can be passed down, generation upon generation.
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