Wind Chimes

Accountability often isn't popular, perhaps in part because of the misunderstanding of our innate value.  We are not intrinsically flawed; we are whole, perfect and sacred human beings made in God's image who possess individual gifts, goals, paths and opportunity.  When we make mistakes or poor choices, none of these have any bearing on our elemental worth.  The comprehension of such opens up a freedom and safety to understand thoughts and motives, embrace accountability and see it as an invitation to seek better parts of ourselves.  To gloriously go forward with purpose and might rather than throwing up deflecting walls of blame is to be powerfully grounded and to yield to the blessings of learning curves and the acceptance of self.  Love is.

- This Carman Girl

Secret Garden

Sometimes we can be tempted to fortify the safety of untouchable but have come too far by right of knowledge, to slide back into what we know will only delay full joy.

 

- This Carman Girl

 

 

Champagne

Our struggles are only the reflection of the possibilities of our perfection. How beautiful is that? To see the tidal wave and know that this could be an opportunity to surf and soar. That the cascades of whitewater streaming around and through us can either drown our ambitions or awaken and define inhibition.

Cleansing. Exhilarating. More. 

- This Carman Girl

 

 

Summer Laughter

What we desire is a direct reflection of what we think we are worth. When we feel vulnerable, desire shifts towards validation, material goods or even self-sabotage. When we sit within wholeness and contentment, our desire no longer seeks, but reaps. One pursues, the other receives.

 

- This Carman Girl

 

 

Open Road

Sometimes we lock ourselves into boxes of our own making. We think because we have committed to a course that it would be somehow representative of failure if we don't see it through to completion. But just as perceptions of life, people and love shift, the commitments and decisions we make also shift.  They need to shift.  Everything is growth in action, nothing is stagnant.

What may have felt right before doesn't necessarily mean that it wasn't. Rather, it may have been that what we learned in the process of exploring the choice, was what made that choice correct at the time and not for its conclusion. Life is a continual shift on awareness; it's being able to avoid being bogged down by our own concern for doing it "correctly" or worried by the opinions of others looking on.

If we created it, then we can shift it. If we have learned, then we have become - no matter how that progress was processed. Painful development doesn't mean we were wrong, neither does joyful attainment mean that we have necessarily arrived into a higher plane of wholeness or living. Learning is learning no matter how it comes and is only compromised if we fail to tap into the feelings that would shift and then lead us to the next destination.

So I say, let go of what right looks like. Instead, ask yourself - What did I learn? How do I feel? What about myself is stronger and what did I find in allowing myself to be vulnerable?

Don't place so much consequence on exactness but trust in the awareness that will never fail you. Don't stare longingly at the fork in the road you may have passed by virtue of a mistaken sense of obligation. Put the top down, shake out your hair, flip a U-turn and head to the next bend in your metamorphosis.

It's waiting for you.

 

- This Carman Girl

 

 

Broken

Denying faith in favor of the popularity of enlightenment is to choose the destructiveness of ego over the peace and power of God.

- This Carman Girl

Great Expectations

Preservation of our language isn't about overt displays of intelligence; in every way possible it is the central conduit of life - how we act, what we dream, how far our drive takes us and what we can achieve.  Language - any language of its own accord is an art form; it has the ability to weave tales, capture interest, share emotion and find synergy.  I wish that every single teacher could share the excitement it is and the power found within the building of sentence, thought and expression.  There is nothing like it.  Our children don't need dumbed-down versions of classic heroes nor rap-style messages to engage their interest.  They need us to show them the power of sound and how the alliteration of such can indeed influence life and outlook, satisfaction and connection.  To not just read, but do so voraciously.  To not just think, but be lost in contemplation.  To not just dream, but to have the means and the voice to get there.  To Speak. Write.  And Do. 

 

- This Carman Girl

 

 

Scenic Overlook

As I hit yet another internal shift, I find more appreciation in the moment for those who influence my life and am less attached to the idea that duration should rate experience. I'm learning to release all parameters as a means to define satiation. I am finding ways to live less within grief and am balancing the sweetness of fond melancholy with the ability to see and embrace memories and transition for what they bring into my life rather than what I lose when they're gone. To be able to move ahead. Let go.

This world has tied up too much consequence within duplicitous boxes of should's and should not's. Everything from birth on the timeline to death seems to be carefully notated, evaluated and labeled. The measurement of human worth has been rated upon the relevance of expected accomplishment in accordance with processes of culture and tradition. It's stifling, inaccurate. Damaging.

The milestones we look forward to as giddy, energetic and invincible twenty-something's can turn around in subsequent decades to bring disillusionment, disappointment and indirection. First relationship, first job, first car. Starry-eyed and reaching for the moon can find years later, goals and markers not met. And therein lies the temptation to worry about age, rank and station. Therein lies the disingenuous abyss of perceived failure.

Society is in awe of a large family but thinks far less of a woman who might have to go at motherhood alone. She is labeled, categorized and not given opportunity to present a different story. And she faces either acceptance as a unit or years of loneliness since further prospects don't look kindly at the extras. Similarly, men who find themselves between employment or working a job they never envisioned for themselves, ride the same waves of anger and dis-ease. It seems that it's all pass or fail. Successful or pathetic. And growing older only exacerbates the shame.

Human nature seems to only acknowledge validation if it can be substantiated on something definitive, tangible. I can imagine that there would be far less people wrestling with emptiness if the perspective of what defined worth and existence changed. The ebb and flow of life brings us in between jobs, relationships, places and experience and rarely finds one person who met their end having lived a perfect timeline.

I think of where I am now and where I thought I would be. In many ways I am in a holding pattern filled with disenchantment-a space easily fraught with invitations for bitterness and traction. In other ways, no one could have prepared me for the thought, much less the reality, that I would indeed be a mother to five glorious children. They far exceed any and all fulfillment and joy I could imagine. They are my life source...humbling, pure, smart. They remind me each day to reach for an even better version of myself.

And now, as I flirt with age and find myself within pockets of adversity, I demand to recreate the rules. To strike the measurements. To burn the boxes that cannot in any way define the nuances of change, connection, insight, perspective. I will not sum up my life based upon the contemptible and generic storefront images of success, no matter how ingrained. And I defy all indicators that suggest that self-esteem or fulfillment of joy must depend upon relationship status, career or accomplishments.

I look at heartache and discover luminous rays of recognition. I examine setback and feel a shift that leads me into miracles of new direction. I see not markers on my own timeline, but growth inside of myself. I find bonding, affinity and cognizance. I explore moments of teaching which tumble down with laughter and wisdom into the youth of my children and I watch them share it with their friends.

And I wish to shout it to the world that falling short of expectations does not have to be crippling. I say, float, shift, absorb. Accept. And continue on. Find out now, before life throws the curve ball and demands for either your surrender or defiance, what it is you really live for. Find your purpose. Be certain that when all else howls, falls, mocks or threatens to toss you over, that what you do believe in, is and will be, sustaining no matter what.

We have only one shot at life. And however redundant in its claim, the opposing messages remain stronger. Defy them. Become dependent only upon the attitudes of personal change, victories and interchange. Bask in the experiences as they happen and hold them sacred when embarking onto the next one.

This is it. And it's all ours to Define.

 

- This Carman Girl

 

 

 

Conscience

To the extent that any word, action, product, idea, influence or media production is excessively marketed is directly indicative of the extent that each of these promotes illiteracy, apathy, worthlessness, homogenization, social engineering and immorality.  The world should not define any individual; individuals should define the world.  To teach our children the value of their personal contribution outside of monetary gain or popularity will perhaps, in the end, be the most powerful driving force we have as parents.

- This Carman Girl

Tenderness

The hard question to be asked is, how does unhappiness serve me? If you think that it is about someone else, then you will be unhappy yet a little longer no matter the circumstances of origin. New growth is there, fresh and sure. Sunlight on tender pine, fragrant and beguiling - a shift into strength as far as you wish to nourish it.

 

- This Carman Girl

 

 

Trailhead

In an age where status seems to garner the only recognition and discontent and depression have become true for the majority, perhaps it is time to shift culture and favor a different question. Instead of asking our children what they want to be, we should be attentive in encouraging them to become who they want to be.

 

- This Carman Girl

 

 

Menthol Light

Handing someone your heart and then experiencing crash and burn lights a fuse hot wired and scorching.  At the point of burn there are no filters but raw betrayal and infinite pain.  Invariably as time goes by, pain recedes.  Lungs contract and slightly harden-unwilling to tap pure oxygen, unwilling to hand all of that power to someone else ever again.

 

Once the smoldering flecks have reduced to little more than slightly bitter, gray ash, need rises once again to connect.  Desire rolls up hope and mixes it with a heavy scoop of want.  Base longing.  And Time provides the numbing, memory-altering third ingredient to send us back in search of that one person who will see inside of us past the scarred ruins of what we experienced before.

 

We seek more than the casual glint of a shared cigarette flicked in conversation in the dusk of night. We seek intimate exchange and indrawn smoke of another kind.  Something just as heady but with a guaranteed refill for life.  We want all the highs, every bit of the fire, but none of the cancer.  And since we have vowed never to hurt the way we did before, since we have switched brands and found a different representation of what we seek, we tell ourselves that perhaps this time, we will find what we want.  The core that was damaged is locked up tight and no one will ever breech it again.  We've decided that a single match, one at a time, is far more safe than a lighter.  Trust is given one smoke at a time, thereafter. 

 

And yet, despite the change of packaging and strategy, the unfortunate truth is that the overall mix of ingredients remains the same.  Only it's worse this time. Not only do the remnants of the carcinogens that scorched the breath inside us remain, but littered about are the unmistakable butts of bitterness, history and anger.  And though unrecognized for now in the bask of the sweet, intoxicating scent of attraction and arousal,  denial lurks behind the hide and seek of hope as if to mock fine print warnings of the lighter menthol. 

 

Why?

 

Because there is a fine line when we fall in love between opening ourselves up completely for another person and then crossing over into the toxic territory of  expecting them to fill places we haven't filled for ourselves.  Usually the most painful breaks in relationships are caused by either one or both parties so steeped in personal issues that they somehow lead themselves to believe that their partner is also responsible for making them whole.

 

A deflection of blame.  An invitation for pain.  And certainly the damning, tortured possibility of hurting more than you ever wanted to because you wanted that other person to love parts of you that you still couldn't.  So you see, the blame can't be placed on the menthol, nor the ingredients, but must begin with the person who chooses the pack.

 

Does this mean that we have to be self-actualized before ever hoping to find love?  No.  Of course not.  But it does mean that if we really desire love that lasts a lifetime, that remains constant within us-nurturing, growing, binding...

 

Well, we must remember to include honesty in any and every conflagration of fire.  We must not wait for someone else to light, but find our own lighter and be there in support and return of favor and follow-through.  We must forge our lives for ourselves and as unknown holes within us are uncovered, own them and grow within our own right.

 

The truth is, when we have crashed and burned, the intensity of the pain is really a statement of how much we ache for ourselves and it is magnified to unbearable degree when our vulnerability with another person brings it to the surface.  The only way to avoid the crash and burn is to be certain that we are developing and embracing all parts of ourselves at each intimate exchange, neither depending upon the other person to complete us, and at the same time, still allowing them to participate in our journey.

 

The difference is finite and yet absolutely critical:  To be open to the vulnerability and yet beholden to our own responsibility.  And only when we are willing to not only put ourselves out there, but engage in our own wholeness, will lasting exchange then burn brightly in flames ignited from pure oxygen...

 

This Carman Girl

 

 

Musings

So many of them. I live so much inside of my head that any and every thought finds its meaning and definition turned about to near infinity. So many things that have come through my head of late:

Cynicism robs realism of validation and can only every mock hope.

Loving into trying to exercise another's agency for them is as bad if not worse as Satan's master plan of force. Heavenly Father always gives us direction but gives us the choice; it is of Christ to remain within gentleness and patience.

The world is filled with heartache already; to refuse the pricks of hurt is to deny deception and embrace the edifying grace of compassion.

Strong will can shutter enemies but if not bridled can lay waste to families.

Joy is only as lasting as the generosity in which we give and forgive.

Living in a space of Love includes sharing our struggles; more epiphany comes from shared empathy and compassion than from inspiration.

 

- This Carman Girl

 

 

Rain

Love dances in many rhythms. We find attraction, friendship, laughter and connection. We tease and taunt, give and receive, hope and allow hope to return back to us. Most often, as we become accustomed to long-lasting relationships, these small notes and tempos can change key, ever so slightly so as to slowly erect shelters that quietly yet distinctly rise up in crescendo to stave off certain vulnerability.  And we forget, or nearly forget, ourselves.

 

Routine and patterns, responsibility and worry invade like pelting rain against worn plywood. The pitter patter of water drops fall in staining splotches, dampening the spirit, inviting the mundane to fall into disconnect, complacency or an imbalance of giving and respect.

Many of us were born to parents who hold to the staunch and rigid tradition that says marriage, no matter what the difficulty, signifies success regardless of the wood rot eroding the very basic structure of the union and its subsequent fallout for even children. And should the divide ever occur, they equally participate in the assumption that there should be a negative party, pronounce a deceiver, and then declare shame or inadequecy. And it would seem that in general, although broken for the majority, society even still supports this needless placard.

Having experienced a measure of couplehood, I maintain and loudly proclaim that such a viewpoint is damaging. This life is a journey. Choices, relationships, unions, paths, learning, all happen at different places in our lives. People come together as soulmates and sometimes part in pain or understanding, yet should not be condemned to abject failure. Growth springs from trial and honesty.

A structure of any kind cannot be built without first inflicting the pounding of a nail, causing an apparent hole in an otherwise flawless grain of wood. Yet what comes from that hole, is the fitting of pieces of timber, multiplied and connected, painful yet erected, until strength supersedes the initial drill-bit.

Such is the being and creating, giving and learning, in life, family, self and relationships. I maintain that there are such relationships that are meant to be forever. But those that aren't are no less important, no less beautiful, no less right. Anything which brings out the very basics of a human being and allows them the opportunity to see and seek a better piece of themselves is never failure. And neither party should be condemned to any derision.

Pressure points if left to themselves, do explode and destroy. There is no glory to be had in staying for the implosion. Neither is there shame in seeking relief or acknowledging weakness. Some relationships have ultimate testing points, perhaps revisited multiple times, eased just as many, yet innately meant to remain in truth, together. More brave are the couples who recognize and valiantly honor these admissions of honesty, for they will find healing power regardless of whether the bond is meant to remain or dissolve.

Our culture has become one of synthetic shields. Anywhere you look, it would seem that none wish to admit to even the smallest fault. Once happy with the simplicity of plywood, most seek the mask of stucco which easily stains in the desert sands and winds. Almost humorous were it not so pathetic is this quest for perfection of image, since most eventually find the affectation more difficult to cleanse. I have to wonder about people and the unease with self, fear really, should anyone discover that after all they are simply basic human beings. Real, fallible, beautiful, scarred, wounded, talented, brave.

I contend that although storms do come, treacherous and damaging, they bring with them the purest cleanse and deepest restoration of essential foundations. Storms cut to the quick, abide no flimsy facade, and dare our spirits to either concede to mired defeat or rebuild in greater stature. Timeless moments captured in humility and grace, dawn with the rays of sun as they slowly stretch and reach over renewed and shimmering sand. Sand once packed like the dirtiest silt and littered with garbage or broken and abandoned shells.

Tides coming in and going out. Rain songs changing in tempo and forte. Realism, love, the bravery to shift, own, give, and never, ever take for granted. The choice and commitment to never lose sight of the value in any human interchange and to accept the miracles of imperfection.

- This Carman Girl

 

 

Moonlight

Nights give way to limitless imagination; daybreak wishes the same.

- This Carman Girl

Salt

Rubble remains rubble; there is no wisdom found in continuing to dig.  You've already taken with you the important values that will sustain you on your journey. Let the past rest.

Every day that you move forward is a day that you have also ceased to look back. How far do you want to go? What gifts of compassion and forgiveness are you willing to keep for all time? And when you have begun to measure moments only as they come, how long will it take you to become accustomed to the innate right and joy of this forward freedom? 

 

- This Carman Girl

 

For Women Only

How often do you take the time to connect to your innate Self - What it is to be woman? Not artifice, not looks, not weight, not where you think you stack up against others. No, rather all the things womanhood really means: Sensitive. Brave. Maternal. Breathless, exuberant, aware. Insightful, powerful, empathic. Joyful, intelligent, humorous. Capable, brilliant, quiet. Introspective, spontaneous, nurturing. Oh, and sometimes we are tumultuous wildfire when protecting our own. Tap into that. Don't waste time ruminating over matters of little consequence. You are everything right now.  Live it.

 

- This Carman Girl

 

 

Getting Coffee

We can only account for our own honesty. To second guess someone's intentions is to bypass our own acceptance or consent to what we perceive is. Interaction should never be based upon unseen contingency. Give honestly, expect no less and let it remain so.

Awareness like this becomes an exercise in understanding our personal motives and expectations, while providing a snapshot view of whether we actually take complete ownership of all of our choices.  And should our own honesty be met with something less, there is no need to fall into ill-will since we owned our original position without attached qualifiers.

 

No matter the fallout, if we have conducted ourselves honestly throughout, then there is no need to invite emotional turmoil but to instead practice and embrace compassion while gently setting boundaries.

 

- This Carman Girl

 

 

 

Vestiges

Making a poor choice is merely so, no matter how many times we revisit the mistake. Falling into dishonesty, however, has the destructive power to cripple those whom we love most and can fundamentally change who we are. Stand by integrity; it matters most as it has the power to heal by virtue of its unfailing truth.

 

- This Carman Girl

 

 

Image Awards

Too often we ignore the ones who would love us in favor of those who would have us doubt ourselves.

- This Carman Girl

Invitation

There are those who react with bitterness and jealousy to the joyful space you create; they think life must be more perfect and must come with ease and that it is somehow your fault that they feel depression or dis-ease. Having danced on the very edge of despair I know the pain and the depth of where they are. And I say with force that it is not any more easy for those of us who choose to drink the laughter of life with large gulps of exuberance.

Those of us who play in the light do not have any more exceptional strength or marked intelligence; we have seen the misery and felt just as hopeless. What we have done is not only acknowledged, but owned the truth of our individual responsibility for the shaping of our lives. We do not have more options or easy finance; we do not have better looks nor greater opportunity. What we chose in determined measure was to refuse to fall into the drowning death of negative perception. We lifted our heads beyond the wallowing failures of misery to see the myriad of blessings surrounding us. We chose to actively find happiness.

Each day, those of us who play and laugh, seek and unite, must continue to choose to stay out of the shadows. And we do and we dance and invite all others to join us, to bask in the unnoticed sunshine that surrounds their own spirits. We invite you to own your existence and Be. We invite you to join the unencumbered joyful ranks of gratitude - for gratitude is where it is.

Oh, yes - there's a space along the sidewalk reserved for you where branches of trees dip and sway with the compelling breezes of freedom...begin today.  <3

 

- This Carman Girl

 

 

Sunshine Stickers

One of the greatest gifts I've received is the knowledge that every connection is in its perfect moment in its own designed timing.  That there is no need to worry or wonder whether what we have said may have been misunderstood, or to rush to seek assumed clarification.  If all was communicated from the sweetness of whole intent, then we can let the balance of reaction go and wait with understanding, light and love.  Not only that, we also lose the need to respond out of polite necessity, therefore bringing genuine desire to connect, freeing space for unencumbered giving.

 

Every interaction lives in its perfect moment every time, even if it is one that is fraught with complication. And oh, what a release it is to embrace the concept and allow it to happen. It brings to relationships the fluid ease of spontaneity and none of the dragging darkness of expectation or unspoken mire. It permits others their own processes while reminding us to deliver honestly every time.

Timing is a gift. And the people behind those gifts - Well, they are miraculous. Thank you, Annie.

 

- This Carman Girl

 

 

Cultivating Seeds

Perhaps the most difficult part of motherhood is not necessarily in the balance of meeting the emotional and physical needs of her family - of being the very core of their well-being, but in the real truth that their approval and contentment is what she needs to feel centered herself. More mothers flounder from feeling overwhelmed not from physical work, errands, or even working motherhood, but from vying for the relief, pleasure, elation and peace it is to know that everyone is content and there is happiness throughout. She measures herself by this as men measure themselves in the workplace; they are unequivocally tied together. It is wisdom and insight to recognize that this innate need to please can also limit the ability of family members to navigate disappointment, own responsibility and develop their own thoughts and actions toward cultivating personal contentment.

For a mother, the most challenging teaching point is to allow the family the rights to their own emotions and to wisely stand firm and gracious without feeling unsettled in the process. We are, by nature, fixers in every aspect. To nurture their emotional development by letting go of solving everything would ease the difficulty in maintaining such precarious, reciprocal balance. Lifting the burden of exercising their collective choices and attitudes would give them time, leave, experience and opportunity to do it for themselves. Would that we could understand that serving our families and the joy this absolutely brings, also includes gifting them with this latitude as well.

Measurements of motherhood, indeed.

- This Carman Girl

 

 

Dry Leaves

There is no other avenue of satisfaction greater than the bi-product of joy that comes from hard work; work builds confidence, finds opportunity, strengthens ability and feeds contentment. 

- This Carman Girl