Better, faster, stronger - while indeed a noble, powerful and steady mantra that has served me through the years, it fails every so often when exhaustion brings me to my knees in tears and I realize that in all of my doings I have forgotten to take care of myself; I have forgotten to remember my needs. I have forgotten that life is not meant to be exhausting, but enhancing. We can have every bit of the responsibility but there is a definitive choice we make in each moment, action and thought that either utilizes coping or lends to creating.
And that is finally where my stubborn self has come. I have come to a place that while I truly live in a constant state of vibrant, abundant happiness, I also walk in tandem with a world of responsibilities nipping at my heels. And my handling of those responsibilities with a gusto of energy and fire has been like everything else...full throttle forward. No stops. Just forward with every ounce of strength I possess. I am a Carman Girl. Of course I can. I will. Until I'm tired and I can't and I crash.
Yes, instead of taking care of me, there are times that I've blindly pushed through; if I can move another step, then of course I can move - that sort of thing. And the things that have carried me through when I have not yielded to my body, mind and heart begging for rest, are artificial sources of energy: sugar for emotional support, wine for release and over-eating to just numb myself so that I don't have to listen and still keep going.
I don't partake probably any differently than any other American (thankfully, I've left the eating disorders of youth firmly in my twenties), but my conscious self - my observant self - is forever dissecting and contemplative and has long-recognized that all of us are living within a world of desensitization just by virtue of the over-stimulation handed and marketed so zealously in every demographic, genre, communication or position. It's all there. And it's hollow - giving rise to bouts of euphoria and the can-dos, while acceptance and resignation of their imminent crash get pushed aside as the shake of the head prefers immediate, artificial results, turning a blind eye to culpability until the inevitable discomfort proves otherwise. Until much later. For me, too much eaten; for others, maybe too much money spent, too much isolation, too much noise, too much commotion, too much agenda. Simply too much.
I breathe and dream in photography and landscapes - the forgotten sparrow, the forlorn flower, the magnificent mountain - the shadows of clouds casting glory and dominion upon the whim of the wind blowing in terrifying and mighty thunder. And my heart drinks in the oxygen and mists of this earth with every cell alive, feeling the air in my lungs expand - I am almost never able to get enough. And it is in that alone that the essence of my happiness is found. It is in this that my mind consumes in large quantities, thoughts and association, ponderance and intellection, and my spirit is given over to comparison, entreaty, compassion, certitude, meaning, hope and direction. It's finding absolute purpose in the stillness.
Just to look out across the expanse of the room you're in right now - be it at a desk, in the middle of a crowded hallway - anywhere. To look, really look. It is when our vision becomes so conscious that we're aware of our sight through the sweep of locks of hair that may have fallen forward that we can come to a place where we almost see our breath for the feeling and awareness of our heartbeat in the stillness. Understanding. The awareness of being. When the world stands still and the noise and the hub freezes as if paused on a digital screen and there is sentience. The daily actions and responses of rote and repeat finally are noticed for what they are - disconnected. Shock just for the moment pulls the paradigm shift together into one question: Are we being pulled by life or powerfully asserting it?
The opportunities we have to change thought patterns, response, purpose and ambition present themselves every single day. Every day. And perhaps when we think what we want is a change of financial condition, home, job or anything else - well, perhaps, just perhaps, all along the only thing we have needed to change is the way we engage in the pursuit of doing. To walk in the peace of being instead of the garbled noises of reasoning and compulsion. To create not cope. To build on faith and not yield to fear. To reject exhaustion and the merits the world has placed upon being over-scheduled, to truly listening to our individual purpose, wants, goals and desires. To live these with each and every thought and breath.
To actively seek growth. Wisdom. Clarity. To remember to stop for the messages in the silence. To go farther than we ever thought we could just for the slowing down and rejection of unnecessary loads. To refuse the interference that so often vies for attention yet shelves those of great import. To do... and to do it with mindfulness, intent and the sweeping carriage of peace.
XO,
- Becca
- Living Joy - This Carman Girl
No comments:
Post a Comment