(Throwback blog, written in 2010.)
All of us were blessed with innate gifts upon birth -- gifts that await recognition through the processes of time, growth, and maturity. They generously allow us yin and yang, insecurity or mastery, and graciously look on as we flirt with unparalleled fulfillment, or trifle with the temptation to carefully tuck them away in a safe, darkened corner where no one can observe their possible failure.
Enter narcissism.
Most associate narcissism with an unerring self-interest - an arrogant stance which requires accolades, attention, and the spotlight in its entirety. And yet, the loud obnoxious forms that we generally associate with narcissism are simply a more visible coping tool for ordinary people who fear the same shaming colors of inadequacy as the rest of us. And over and above an initial derisive reaction to these, the energy they usurp is in no way strong enough to substantially suffocate the well-being of those of us who surround them.
I would heavily argue that the most narcissistic among us are actually those who are invisible and have chosen to bury their gifts in darkness. It is those who would prefer to wallow in ill-humor, then take the necessary risk of owning their divine rights and sharing such bounty with others, who cause the most grievous waves of damage. They prefer the cover and ease of criticism to the bonding strength of ownership; and it is in their decision to thrash indefinitely in the murky choking debris of personal sediment, that they are only able to reap the damning repercussions of flagrant self-interest.
Selfish interest.
No one is immune. No one is alone. No one is that pathetic that their life does not affect another human to some pivotal degree. I think that poor self-esteem is the most devastatingly selfish position there is; it has the ability to negatively impact the lives, thought processes, and attitudes of generations.
Generations.
Our own lives as children began from a foundation only as strong as the level at which our parents were able to rise above their own self-captivity. And oh, how this thought (of itself) causes me to pause, steals my soul, and throws me into a realm that insists I compare, evaluate, and then consciously dissect my own position, motherhood, parenting, outlook, and formative angst.
And then step into forgiveness. For my parents, for myself, for my soul. For my children.
More than that, it opens up waves of clarity, humility, humanity, kinship, and release. And I think of my parents far differently than I would have otherwise: flawed, human, youthful, seeking -- novices at adult life just like any of the rest of us.
Such a recognition, alone, assigns enormous responsibility; it is a sacred obligation and invitation to fulfill the gifts inherent within; to move beyond all that came before us as a tribute to our own parents in their efforts and ability. It is then ours to magnify, boldly embrace, and then assume the mantle of humility that would walk hand-in-hand with the refining processes of such allowance, introspection, compassion, and even recompense.
And as for struggle, sorrow, sadness or depression - those are even greater tools that either catapult our talents to the top of their potential, or squander them, and leave us floundering in spirit, closing our eyes to the very truth that personal behavior does indeed affect all others...
Spouses, siblings, family, friends, co-workers.
How we behave at any given time offers impact and a ripple-effect of behavior and outlook. While a generous smile can spread a thousand more, so it is that a narcissist can crush it all underfoot.
So, how can such emotion be reinvented into positive tools? And how, if self pity is selfish, can it be rendered in any way effective? Because the basis of our strengths are borne from the barest essence of truth. And most of us are unable to accept truth unless it is seen without any adornment. And often, it is only when we experience a devastating setback that we can clearly see truth for what it is.
Human nature balks at peeling back the layers of relativity to the most elemental core because our need for ready comfort generally supersedes any desire for inherent integrity.
The most critical clearing point to this entire premise is that it is not emotion that damns, but rather the attitude behind the emotion. It is apathy, fear, anger, and ambivalence that effectively undermine self-character. And yet, in the sweetest contradiction, it is in the courage to exercise and explore the sobering processes of sorrow and depression that ultimately give way to transcending knowledge, strength, empathy and actualization.
This post isn't to mock depression; it is to give it credence and allow it a springboard to wholeness; to seek history and find meaning. To shelve inaccuracies to embrace what is actually sacred and true.
And that is when our talents and gifts break away from the heavy anchors of uncertainty and float. It is intent in its purest state -- abundant and glorious. It invites others to share and magnify their own gifts in a collective force of sustaining, enriching power, built upon a level far higher than the carbonate mud of jealousy. It is a willingness to embrace vulnerability in support of the limitless supplies of pure oxygen that are vital to us all.
And so, I say: Emerge.
Surrender to the processes of emotion and attend to your gifts.
Learn. Lead. Nourish.
Living Joy - This Carman Girl
