I have been caught in a vortex of change, willingly wishing for its benefits and yet ever so fearful of the release it will be from a lifetime of thought patterns, cycles and the certain safety entwined with its familiarity that would make the absolute abandonment of such, a monumental, no-holds-barred, frighteningly exhilarating space of Living. Oh, I know this truth; it has walked with me, danced with me, gently chided me and often implored me to give up my stubborn fears to see its offer of so much more freedom and happiness. You see, it's to give up control - a paradigm shift far and away from any point of access I ever considered possible through the angst of early adulthood up until even now. It is a surrender and departure from the checkpoints and worthiness I previously measured myself against - a release of discipline, need, and a complete and total capitulation, waiting patiently and calmly for me to actually bravely and finally walk away.
Yes, walk away. Not manage. Not direct. Not master. Not force. Not regulate. Not deny. No. It is to yield in All things to the peace of the Spirit. Entirely.
Oh, I have run directly the other way with rueful chagrin these last few months. I have played against the lines, tempting emotional instability by delving even farther and more insistently into the vices that I know without a doubt I would indeed give up. Almost weekly, as I've made grandstands of change, every single point of vulnerability that could and would prick at the secret points of my heart, worthiness and capability, have been played up into my face, taunting, sneering and sending my whirling mind off into tumbles of emotion, doubt and confusion until finally wending their way to the Scot within me that lives life on fire, in determination and undaunted desire.
The Sun rose this morning and I felt the heavy wooden doors of fear creak, shake, tremble and then swing wide. No more peering out and through, wanting and yet still destitute in the waiting. No more bending to the indolent temptations of unease, untruth and the hushed whispers of inadequacy disguised in ego and clothed in the safety of self-constructed walls. Oh, yes! Chains broken. Daylight bright and beckoning. Fear fluttering briefly as the brilliance of a future that will never know a similar setback just for the release of burdens in every manner - beyond circumstance, trial, health, emotion - finally breathing more than pure hope into my veins - but breathing Purpose.
For there comes from time to time, reflection that takes hold of our thoughts and our consciousness. Choices lay themselves with unwitting invitation and we are compelled to decide definitively whether we want to live as we have or reject the old in favor of new. Are we comfortable with the status quo? Have we confined ourselves to a box? Do we still consider the rule of what others think of us and live within their own limits of self-perception? Would we dare to risk for the idea that we are worth more, are more? Will we continue to breathe life in states of justification or will we live it fully and magnificently with purpose and by God's guiding hand? Will we release our need for what safety looks like and take firm grasp of His?
"Take my yoke upon you and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls." Matthew 11:29
Yes, Take it. Feel it. Know it. Want it. Ask for it. And receive the gift it is to let the burden rest within him, his grace, his strength and his ever-abiding peace. The only guaranteed happiness in this Life lies within the Love and peace of God; everything else is as a side dish to a table of such bounty there is already more than enough for the feast and plenty of space for guests.
XO,
Becca
- This Carman Girl
