Veranda

Not a day goes by without an opportunity for reinvention of some kind. Life direction can change on even the smallest turn and find either personal gain or a difference in attitude and perspective. What have you discovered today? And what could it do for you tomorrow?

- Living Joy - This Carman Girl

Ripple Effect

Find pride in the doing, being, and simple existence of now; liberate yourself from yesterday and do not think to measure yourself against tomorrow. If you are making full use of each moment every day, actively engaging in those things that will create the life you want and the person you want to be, then you have already reached your goal. 

Triumph lies in changing the way you think; having done that, then there is no care or need to dwell in worried thought for the goals ahead. They will just simply happen. Relax, give yourself over to enjoying the process. Once ingrained into your consciousness, this new pattern of thought will forever change the way you seek life and will multiply your blessings in every direction.

- Living Joy - This Carman Girl

Spellbound

I experienced one of those rare moments when time stands still and the soul to soul contact through the glitter of a child's eyes reached mine and my breath caught. I am mother; I am a child's everything. I am humbled to be gifted with the privilege of caring for five beautiful children every single day. There is not one fiber within me that could be anything else. Gifts. heart emoticon

- Living Joy - This Carman Girl

Delicate

Love is not an exchange but an attitude of Being.

- Living Joy - This Carman Girl

Freedom Cry

There is never resolution found in hate as its nature only belies any authentic, pure feelings of origination. To fall prey to such judgment only has one joining the ranks of the perpetrator and thus invites what is already tragedy, an opportunity to compound itself.

- Living Joy - This Carman Girl

Tri-Force

After I resolved an issue between my twins about matters of honesty, one of them said to me, "So Mom, you're like Zelda; you see the truth in all of us." Smiles. As parents, many of us strive to build our own extraordinary superheroes of faith and conscience in a videogame world. I'm so proud of the young men they are becoming and feel humbled to be their mother. Then again, I always wanted to be an epic princess...

- Living Joy - This Carman Girl

(Disclaimer: Thor was the only photo I could find for the moment. Adorable superhero enough.)

Magnificence

I am always playing with my endurance - running in rhythms with it, pivoting and snubbing it, or running faster because I know I can and better yet, think I should. It's been a companion to me whether I've rejected it or embraced its limitations. I am forever and always striving to do the very best I can to the physical duress of my body; and yet consistently, sometimes even willfully, I forge ahead in sheer determination, sidestepping, forgetting, denying and not accepting the giving over of my burdens.

Better, faster, stronger - while indeed a noble, powerful and steady mantra that has served me through the years, it fails every so often when exhaustion brings me to my knees in tears and I realize that in all of my doings I have forgotten to take care of myself; I have forgotten to remember my needs. I have forgotten that life is not meant to be exhausting, but enhancing. We can have every bit of the responsibility but there is a definitive choice we make in each moment, action and thought that either utilizes coping or lends to creating.

And that is finally where my stubborn self has come. I have come to a place that while I truly live in a constant state of vibrant, abundant happiness, I also walk in tandem with a world of responsibilities nipping at my heels. And my handling of those responsibilities with a gusto of energy and fire has been like everything else...full throttle forward. No stops. Just forward with every ounce of strength I possess. I am a Carman Girl. Of course I can. I will. Until I'm tired and I can't and I crash.

Yes, instead of taking care of me, there are times that I've blindly pushed through; if I can move another step, then of course I can move - that sort of thing. And the things that have carried me through when I have not yielded to my body, mind and heart begging for rest, are artificial sources of energy: sugar for emotional support, wine for release and over-eating to just numb myself so that I don't have to listen and still keep going.

I don't partake probably any differently than any other American (thankfully, I've left the eating disorders of youth firmly in my twenties), but my conscious self - my observant self - is forever dissecting and contemplative and has long-recognized that all of us are living within a world of desensitization just by virtue of the over-stimulation handed and marketed so zealously in every demographic, genre, communication or position. It's all there. And it's hollow - giving rise to bouts of euphoria and the can-dos, while acceptance and resignation of their imminent crash get pushed aside as the shake of the head prefers immediate, artificial results, turning a blind eye to culpability until the inevitable discomfort proves otherwise. Until much later. For me, too much eaten; for others, maybe too much money spent, too much isolation, too much noise, too much commotion, too much agenda. Simply too much.

I breathe and dream in photography and landscapes - the forgotten sparrow, the forlorn flower, the magnificent mountain - the shadows of clouds casting glory and dominion upon the whim of the wind blowing in terrifying and mighty thunder. And my heart drinks in the oxygen and mists of this earth with every cell alive, feeling the air in my lungs expand - I am almost never able to get enough. And it is in that alone that the essence of my happiness is found. It is in this that my mind consumes in large quantities, thoughts and association, ponderance and intellection, and my spirit is given over to comparison, entreaty, compassion, certitude, meaning, hope and direction. It's finding absolute purpose in the stillness.

Just to look out across the expanse of the room you're in right now - be it at a desk, in the middle of a crowded hallway - anywhere. To look, really look. It is when our vision becomes so conscious that we're aware of our sight through the sweep of locks of hair that may have fallen forward that we can come to a place where we almost see our breath for the feeling and awareness of our heartbeat in the stillness. Understanding. The awareness of being. When the world stands still and the noise and the hub freezes as if paused on a digital screen and there is sentience. The daily actions and responses of rote and repeat finally are noticed for what they are - disconnected. Shock just for the moment pulls the paradigm shift together into one question: Are we being pulled by life or powerfully asserting it?

The opportunities we have to change thought patterns, response, purpose and ambition present themselves every single day. Every day. And perhaps when we think what we want is a change of financial condition, home, job or anything else - well, perhaps, just perhaps, all along the only thing we have needed to change is the way we engage in the pursuit of doing. To walk in the peace of being instead of the garbled noises of reasoning and compulsion. To create not cope. To build on faith and not yield to fear. To reject exhaustion and the merits the world has placed upon being over-scheduled, to truly listening to our individual purpose, wants, goals and desires. To live these with each and every thought and breath.

To actively seek growth. Wisdom. Clarity. To remember to stop for the messages in the silence. To go farther than we ever thought we could just for the slowing down and rejection of unnecessary loads. To refuse the interference that so often vies for attention yet shelves those of great import. To do... and to do it with mindfulness, intent and the sweeping carriage of peace.

XO,
- Becca

- Living Joy - This Carman Girl

Standards

Don't wait for a benchmark to fully walk within your talent, accomplishment, self, power; achievement is merely a token indication of what is already innately there.

- Living Joy - This Carman Girl

Eve In Genesis

More often than not, the concept of Timing comes in and out of conversation as the want and angst of certain desire wars with what Is. And I sit back now, content, the cat who has found the cream, lazily lapping up all that timing means in the span of truth and happiness. 

For if we are interested in our own happiness, then we would cede control of what that looks like and trust the divine power that shapes each road and gifts us with the next lesson. We would neither rush the space we're in, nor harbor concern that our dreams will disappear. We would embrace faith in the processes of receiving, and dedicate ourselves to living in full measure the now of every moment with blithe, joyful integrity.

Truth exists always; it is unchanging regardless of time, circumstance or desire. And as happiness is the embodiment of truth, then all that is ours to have will patiently remain until the moment that is right.

So if we want to bypass unnecessary heartache, then we would release ideal, fear and artificial want, welcoming trust. We would float in each moment with almost indolent satisfaction, and would receive what is offered outside of any definition.

Timing is what illuminates Truth and offers up Happiness on a platter.

XO,
Becca

- Living Joy - This Carman Girl

Verification Pending

(Written in 2010 and reposted now. Some wonder how I have come to this crazy happiness even through the storms. And boy, do I still cry through those even still and probably will the rest of my life. I am a "crier." Laughs. But, even so, here's a peek into the journey and I hope it resonates. Give love; be love. heart emoticon - Bec )

Here I sit, in some ways shattered, in others fully and completely self-actualized. I pace the kitchen - from the cupboard to the computer, from Facebook back to the cupboard as emotions and turmoil, despair and helplessness, eat at my insides. Somehow, being in constant motion helps me to not have to acknowledge the putrid wound still oozing deep and thick within me - wounds of anger, incredulity, sadness, exhaustion, weakness, abandonment. Wounds.

For I have come so far; I have found freedom of a kind. I know I've found peace, grace, identity, joy and laughter; I've forged friendships, navigated endless days and weeks of thickening, stifling discord, and found myself on the other side of indecision. I have discovered existential happiness of a kind I never knew existed.

Or have I? I no longer feel hopeless, but I am still empty; I no longer feel sadness, but I am lost in melancholy. I no longer see battles, but I feel like I've lost the war; and in many ways I feel ragged, aching and as though I've settled. Fragmented. Disjointed. Undone.

Knowing me, I will leap from incredible swells of wisdom back down into the depths of murky water until I release myself from such momentary bouts with darkness. For I do not stay down long; coded so strongly within the fiber of my being is a soul that thrives in echoes of laughter. Laughter is my drug, elixir, life-source. I was not made for sadness and though it seeps into the corners of my heart, the overwhelming complexity and desire to exist within joy wins the fight time and time again. Buoyant. Seeking. Delicious. Contagious.

Determined.

And so I realize with startling clarity some of the basis of this condition: Fraudulence. The truth of the matter is, the closer I come to fullness of self, soul and life, regardless of the current difficulties I find myself within, the more I come face to face with inner demons which taunt and sneer, suggesting otherwise. Crying fraud, denouncing my right to wholeness. And in so doing, welcome a twisted fear that just might prove I was damaged goods to begin with. And then the cycle begins in full swing toward the daunting challenge of continually endeavoring to redesign internal, authentic identity and substantiate otherwise. Full disclosure of a sort that simulates a full-body scan, every moment, every encounter so as to disprove and dispel any effort toward deceit.

Which then has this girl, whose propensity toward self-examination bordering the absurd, seriously considering the concept of fraud: Is it fraudulent to seek a better, stronger version of ourselves? Is it fraudulent to reach for something that we were told we could not be? Are we only ever proving our fraudulence when we succumb to the vices, the slide of thought, the sadness, the stasis - no matter how long we went without, moved on, or lived in peace?

Does one step backward completely eliminate any advancement of self and thus corroborate the initial assessment?

For those of us engaged in a concerted effort toward self-actualization, do we ultimately set ourselves up for failure? In mistakenly believing or accepting someone else's flawed perspective of who we are (or more importantly, their self-projections), do we inevitably court defeat since we approach life with every step focused toward proving otherwise? And therefore, when we fall short of a desire or goal, or feel as though that one person or persons we wish to acknowledge and love us the way we want to, simply don't - is this why we feel consigned to failure? Do we yet understand our worthiness was never ever up to anyone else to consider? Have we finally figured out that living a life of pleasing and approval is one that cannot, will not, ever, ever bring us peace?

And more, do we treat others in like manner? Do we confine them to a box we have built for ourselves? Are the labels and the angst of proving our identity only ever pounded into being by disallowing others their own growth?

I think we are taught from a multitude of sources - whether from our youth, comparisons within parenting styles, or evaluating and pursuing career potential - that we are inherently deficient. It is a common-place, social protocol to believe it ill-mannered to bask in whole space and enjoy our own achievements. We've all bought into and supported a standard that says that anyone who lives within every day expressions of happiness must either have it all, be hiding something, or be exceptionally self-centered and egotistical. That's certainly convoluted. And yet true. And disastrous in the results of personal esteem and the collective health of ourselves, marriages, children, connections and nation.

Family, community, media - even religion - all seem to have adopted a placard to that effect. It is little wonder that at any sign of indiscretion, imperfection or mistake, we feel compelled to point it out before others can, just to be certain that we show visible concern that we don't appear too self-righteous for fear of offending anyone else. Just to be certain that no one thinks us egocentric, too happy, or - gasp! Fake.

I am courting the darker side of self - the distended caricature that I have owned since high school; it's my go-to source when I cannot cope with adversity. This woman who appears to have beauty, intelligence and energy, walks within the mind of the fat, awkward girl at the age of fifteen - the girl her aunt labeled as only every having a "regal figure" while at the same time eager to borrow her clothes. Jealousy and yet belittling all at once. And this girl valiantly demands the rights to a new basis of self. The more society, fear, and internal language mocks and whispers otherwise, she battles an external slide in that direction.

And so the return to the definition of fraudulence. Although media, religion, community and family all teach similar themes of encouragement and worth, it remains unpopular to support vitality and wholeness past that. All concentration centers on flaws, discovery and correction to that end. So, I ask the question, what if it is fraudulent to undermine the perfectness of self?

When we reach for something that tears us apart or use language that would make ourselves small so as not to offend or intimidate others, what if that is the fraudulence? And if we lived life based on this reversal of definition, how many times a day would we catch ourselves in demeaning behavior? Would we finally realize how convoluted our society is and would our internal self find a sweet anarchy of freedom?

And so begins a conscious journey to live within the exercise of pure spirit; to bend the rules and allow for the possibility that not only living whole but living large is indeed acceptable. That it is not fraudulent to broadcast, applaud or champion others to do the same.

I say, Emerge.

Become. I know I will. I am force. I am Carman. I am grace, boldness, determination and strength. I am laughter and exuberance, soul and generosity. I am unconventional, prone to tell it like it is, and known for sharing way too much. And yet... I am Freedom.

Love this Life you live; live it fully and unapologetically. More than that - encourage others to do the same.

XO,
Bec

- Living Joy - This Carman Girl

Expectations

Sometimes in the bustle of the day, we can forget as parents, as teachers, as leaders - that we offer children the first glimpse of their value in the world. Their first taste and experiences of choices, love and belief in themselves, are shaped by every interaction from early youth. Today, a pause to consider the power we wield and the heavy responsibility it is to give them the best starting gifts... Be there.

Iron Doors

I have been caught in a vortex of change, willingly wishing for its benefits and yet ever so fearful of the release it will be from a lifetime of thought patterns, cycles and the certain safety entwined with its familiarity that would make the absolute abandonment of such, a monumental, no-holds-barred, frighteningly exhilarating space of Living. Oh, I know this truth; it has walked with me, danced with me, gently chided me and often implored me to give up my stubborn fears to see its offer of so much more freedom and happiness. You see, it's to give up control - a paradigm shift far and away from any point of access I ever considered possible through the angst of early adulthood up until even now. It is a surrender and departure from the checkpoints and worthiness I previously measured myself against - a release of discipline, need, and a complete and total capitulation, waiting patiently and calmly for me to actually bravely and finally walk away.

Yes, walk away. Not manage. Not direct. Not master. Not force. Not regulate. Not deny. No. It is to yield in All things to the peace of the Spirit. Entirely.

Oh, I have run directly the other way with rueful chagrin these last few months. I have played against the lines, tempting emotional instability by delving even farther and more insistently into the vices that I know without a doubt I would indeed give up. Almost weekly, as I've made grandstands of change, every single point of vulnerability that could and would prick at the secret points of my heart, worthiness and capability, have been played up into my face, taunting, sneering and sending my whirling mind off into tumbles of emotion, doubt and confusion until finally wending their way to the Scot within me that lives life on fire, in determination and undaunted desire.

The Sun rose this morning and I felt the heavy wooden doors of fear creak, shake, tremble and then swing wide. No more peering out and through, wanting and yet still destitute in the waiting. No more bending to the indolent temptations of unease, untruth and the hushed whispers of inadequacy disguised in ego and clothed in the safety of self-constructed walls. Oh, yes! Chains broken. Daylight bright and beckoning. Fear fluttering briefly as the brilliance of a future that will never know a similar setback just for the release of burdens in every manner - beyond circumstance, trial, health, emotion - finally breathing more than pure hope into my veins - but breathing Purpose.

For there comes from time to time, reflection that takes hold of our thoughts and our consciousness. Choices lay themselves with unwitting invitation and we are compelled to decide definitively whether we want to live as we have or reject the old in favor of new. Are we comfortable with the status quo? Have we confined ourselves to a box? Do we still consider the rule of what others think of us and live within their own limits of self-perception? Would we dare to risk for the idea that we are worth more, are more? Will we continue to breathe life in states of justification or will we live it fully and magnificently with purpose and by God's guiding hand? Will we release our need for what safety looks like and take firm grasp of His?

"Take my yoke upon you and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls." Matthew 11:29

Yes, Take it. Feel it. Know it. Want it. Ask for it. And receive the gift it is to let the burden rest within him, his grace, his strength and his ever-abiding peace. The only guaranteed happiness in this Life lies within the Love and peace of God; everything else is as a side dish to a table of such bounty there is already more than enough for the feast and plenty of space for guests.

XO,

Becca 

- This Carman Girl

Fantasy

I feel like I stepped out into the breeze and there's nothing but the wind to carry me where I want to be. Dreams are not just for children.

- This Carman Girl

Vineyards

What I know is that my own pursuit of truth has been my lifeline to hope - to change, and the serum of self-love. I wish everyone knew what it's like to break the glass ceiling and have no limits. Oh, come walk with me... it's exhilarating. Live Joy.

- This Carman Girl